Stuff From An Idiot Who Thinks He Owns Supermans Foot

Why I love Koreans

2006-07-23T12:24:00.000Z

In the last two days I have had a lot of help.

Firstly some kids stopped to say hello to me while I was wheeling my bike (this isnt uncommon). They usually giggle if you respond any further than a hello in return but I thought I would ask if they knew where I could buy a hand pump. Not only did they understand they pointed me to a shop that sells bicycles, spoke to the man working there for me and he blew up my tyre for service! (free of charge).

Then last night I was in a bar and the owner came over and spoke to us. Quite a friendly lady who was proud just to have an englishman in her bar (and 2 Americans). She said she would take us out today but we thought nothing of it. At 12 o clock I get a knock on my door and she is waiting to take us on a mystery trip. Being on my own at this point and a little hungover speaking to a stranger whose English is only mildly better than my Korean I was a little worried but managed to direct her to my friends house and the 4 of us went and had a lovely day out. She wouldn't accept any money off us for petrol, food, drink or entrance into this herb garden.

I get another knock on my door before I came out tonight and it was one of my 3 adult students who said he was now going to Seoul tomorrow. He knew I was going so came to get my number and made a promise to show me around (which I was glad of as I was a little nervous about going on my own with my poor language skills).

Don't you just love friendly helpful people. I must be damn chaming sometimes!!!!

(sorry about my use of exclamation marks!!!)

a cling to english

2006-07-16T03:30:00.000Z

One of the strange things I have found out here is how much I cling to anything western. I guess its easy to become instituitionalised but I have never read so much or been so keen to speak English. When I think of how different everything is I guess it's a wonder I feel settled at all. Of course it was all expected but I guess knowing what to expect and experiencing it are two different things. I am quite proud of how I have adjusted especially after my first fortnight when I hadn't even met another English speaker. I have been here over a month now and when I look back it has flown by. In fact I feel I have almost wasted a month trying to get my bearings, confidence and settle down. I now only have 11 months and have only seen 2 or 3 things that I wanted too. With that in mind today I am going to Daegu as its a 3 day holiday here so I will stay overnight there. Hotels are really cheap (about 10 dollars/euro's a night - I'm not sure of the exchange rate but a dollar or euro seems similar to 1000 won and I'm not a precise man) so I will have a chance to see a few things around the city.

An American on holiday came into my school last week, she was only 16 but had Korean parents and felt like she was stuck in a strange city I guess it must have been messing with her mind as she declared that I sound more British than American and looked shocked when I told her I was British. This was followed by "didn't you guys win the world cup?" I told her that Italy did and was shocked by the next question "Isn't Italy a part of England" At this point I thought the poor girl can speak 3 languages fluently (Spanish - apparently everyone can in California, English and Korean) but do they teach Geography in American high schools. I then realised that my knowledge of America wan't much better, in fact when trying to name all the states I named 56 and only 41 of those were correct (my excuse is I only had 5 minutes or I would have checked my answers).

Im off to have an argument with a taxi driver which is great because they have phones in the cars where you can ask for a translator. Also they have a habit of hitting the horns whenever they go past anyone whether they already have a passenger or not. This is bizarre behaviour to me as I always jump when they drive past thinking I am walking on the wrong side of the road or something.

Photo's of Korea and me

2006-07-09T08:37:00.000Z

I don't know what this sign means. I told them a child would use it to symbolise a rabbit. In many pictures of Koreans you will find 'peace signs' but for this they insisted that my fingers were bent.
A night time shot from my balcony
I went walking up the hills and crossed this waterfall, it was pretty fun.
There was some kind of festival going on at the local park. This is where I am being taught how to roller blade or as they say in-line skating (literally translated).
Finally I get a go on the Norry bang (singing room) this is funny as first I thought they were asking me to go to moggi bang which would mean mosquito room. Why would I want to go there.
Apparently this is an old traditional style pub. In the middle of the table is a bbq. You eat with the gloved hand.
There had to be some way of getting water off the hills.
A buddhist temple. I have also found what I assume to be christian churches as they have a cross on them.
Me looking very worse for wear. I had been climbing, clambering and sometimes walking up that hill for about 2 hours at this point. My legs have never hurt this much on English hills.

2006-07-07T15:11:00.000Z

Hi there,

wow january was a long time ago. Guess i am temporarily back til I can fix up old cross arm. i wrote a massive post as well. nevermind guess we will just have to catch up another time. just wanted to let anyone who was worried a bout the disappearance of a blog after a down post that it was an accident. speak to you soon

The adventures Of Chris And Steve

2006-01-23T11:48:00.000Z

I've let you all down enough previously for you not to be disappointed that this isn't going to be an adventure like I promised because I wanted to write something else instead.

There are many times a super hero can die. They always comeback. There's even a comic novel on The Death Of Superman. It records his 4 deaths. Each one as final as the last. Some like Jean Grey may become a phoenix, others may not actually be dead but end up having disappeared like Captain America. The only real time a suprhero dies is when people stop reading. The dead is then buried when the publisher stops printing.

His head hit the ground with a thud. His fingers twitched once, twice, then went completely still. His lips trembled two nearly three times and never moved again. His eyes blinked and a tear trickled down his already greying cheek. The tear however was not made of saltwater but was red and his last breathe was not so much exhaled as choked.

And so how do the good men die. Not by silver bullet or sharp knife but drowned under a wave of emotion and throttled by their own self rightousness. Without benefit for their actions as they never wanted gratitude and with no remorse over their losses that they gladly gave up.

Tags first, story second

2006-01-22T20:51:00.000Z

Ok first Chris drags me up Birmingham to dance the night away and maybe be a little drunk then he drags me up Wolverhampton the following night. Im not so much hungover as ridiculously tired and sporting many muscular injuries! Damn that crazy dancing kitten.

I've been tagged by Toothfairy and as Im doing final things I may as well do one final tag. I mean it. Last one.

4 jobs I've had - Worked at a Pizza Hut, for the Child Support Agency (stop booing me this isnt a pantomine), as a salesman for a local Newspaper called the Express and Star and now in Customer Services.

4 movies I'd watch repeatedly - Most recently this would be Anchorman. I tend not to watch movies repeatedly so these others are gonna be quite old. Happy Gilmore, Young Guns 2 (I thought the first movie was shite in comparison and I know Im greatly in the minority for that belief) and when I was a kid I rememeber watching Back To The Future, rewinding it and watching it again.

4 places I've lived - Good Quarry Bank where I am now, Brierley Hill with my parents, Liverpool while I was studying and Risca which is where I was born (Yes technically I'm Welsh)

4 t.v. shows I watch - I love Scrubs. Prob my favourite of all time. I get addicted to Pop Idol (I know I'm sad and we're sorry America - you can send Simon Cowell back home). I watch Match Of The Day whenever I can and canI still use Futurama? I know its finished but I watch the DVDs still.

4 Places I have been - In most recent order Staffordshire for the 'V' festival weekend, Prague, Blackpool and Cornwall. I may need to get out of Britain more.

4 websites - skysports.com, astonvilla.vitalsports.net, bbc.co.uk, google - almost daily.

4 fave foods - Food is all the same.

4 places I would rather be - at home, in bed, in a bath, at a cinema as there's loadsa things I wanna see.

4 people I tag - the Boogeyman, Santa Claus, A Poddington Pea, Super Ted

Im done being argumentative now.

2006-01-20T21:41:00.000Z

Devil Mood is right its time to do one more post:-

Sorry to all who have put up with me over the last few days. Somethings got out of hand when they weren't suppossed to; others I thought needed to be said but I'll stop being argumentative with people now and move on.

Instead of being argumentative I feel like being creative. I tried this a few months ago and think its time to try again. If you have ever read an adventure of Chris and Steve you will realise I try to include a few nods to pop culture and make a few silly jokes while having a slight edge of surrealness. I think Im gonna do one final story with your help. Over the weekend while Im away could you please leave ideas of things you would like to see included in an adventure for me and Chris to get up to.

I'll try to include them all and hopefully get at least a sympathy laugh. Speak to you soon and to steal Chris's phrase have a good freakend

Time to delete that horrible post

2006-01-20T12:30:00.000Z

For all who thought I was being very over the top yesterday Im sorry. I was palying around I guess you can't show tone in writing (well not unless your a good writer - which coincidentally Chloe is). I thought Chloe was playing around and so was I. Or at least I hope it came across that way. I'll email a personal apology.

However something did come to light before I move on. Princess you have made numerous comments about people being sycophantic and while I know sometimes people are can't you accept that sometimes people are just nice to each other with no motive. I cant beleive it is so strange to you that people can be friends with other people online.

Sure when I started blogging it was just a way to record some silly thoughts but then I met people I liked and spoke to them, read about them, told them about me. I don't need to physically meet someone to be friends with them. Did it never occur to you that people like talking to me through a comments page. That people come back here because they liked reading what I had to say and not because they felt they had to. Why would I waste time reading about and talking to strangers if I didn't like them too. I know that you have friends across the country who you can't always see and keep in touch with them via the internet, I know your signed into MSN as I write this. Does that mean you cant really be friends with them if you can only talk online. I open a lot more on the internet than I ever do in face to face conversation. Maybe I have just met people online who appreciate me more than people in other social circles and yet you say they don't know me? No offence but you insulted 10 or so people in your last comment who you havent even spoken to once, I would rather talk to the one's who are nice to individuals they apparently know nothing about. Just because you may not like what I write (and why do you keep coming back if thats true), it doesnt mean that no one does. If you cant open your eyes and see that people have different tastes or understand that any kind of communication can lead to a friendship then I laugh that you call me pathetic.

Paranoia paranoia everybodies coming to get me

2006-01-16T13:35:00.000Z

Don't worry Im still ok I just have that song from Peep Show in my head. I dont know many songs so I thought when I remember one it was noteworthy! Its the one that goes "Im not sick but Im not well" as the chorus and I have no idea who sings it or what its called but if you get to watch the sow its a cool song and funny comedy.

I had better mention to readers from outside the UK that Peep Show is not porn but a very funny comedy. As if I would watch porn I have the lowest sex drive known to man. I would say it is my mutant genetics that will kill off mankind but obviously I wont procreate to spread my genes. In fact sex scares the hell out of me but I've gone off on a tangent now, find the song and listen to it, Chris will probably tell you what it is.

Oh and its much more upbeat and jingly jangly than the words suggest

I'm OK

2006-01-16T13:17:00.000Z

Isn't it funny how your priorities can change in the face of adversity. I think one minute you can feel that you have the world on your shoulders and then the next it can seem insignificant.

I myself can sit and whinge about how I hate going to work, have no money or no time. But if I came home one day and found my house and all that was in it was gone that would be all I could think about and suddenly the chore of work would be the last thing I would talk about. I think about how I would react if I lost a spouse, had a child critcally ill, saw my parents die and think does it matter if I cant get my car fixed or pay on bill on time or any of the other little things that build up into a ball of stress.

In a way it's good to worry about complain about the mundane things such as work because it means other, more important aspects of life are doing well. Sure we can look at self improvements and will probably always want a bit more and it feels bad when we dont get it but look at someone who you think is really happy. Look at your self if you are completely settled and happy. Now pretend you offered that person or someone offered you a lot of money. Of course it would be taken because there is always room for improvement in life and people see money as a means to improving their lives.

Anyone who has broken up from a serious relatonship will probably agree that as soon as it happened you couldnt think about anything else. For ages. Then you spent a bit of time thinking about other things but mainly the failed relationship and person you were with. You didnt worry about money, family, career as it seemed less important but more something that took of your brain. Until one day you realise you were actually able to switch and fall asleep. Then another day you realised you had managed to distract yourself for an hour. Over a period of months you were able to complain and moan about all the other smaller aspects again that you had somehow forgotten for those lost months of drifting nothingness.

By our very nature humans like to complain and moan, whinge and bitch about things that most the time they don't really feel that strong about so next time I complain about work, smile to yourselves. I'm OK.

Uses for Coca Cola

2006-01-12T15:52:00.000Z

I can't think at the moment and so instead of doing a post I found this website that amused me. Enjoy.

Clean a Toilet Bowl
Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the real thing sit for one hour, then brush and flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china

Remove Grease from Clothes
Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy work clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular wash cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains
Remove Rust Spots from Chrome Car Bumpers
Rubbing the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola will help remove rust spots

Loosen a Rusted Bolt
Applying a cloth soaked in a carbonated soda to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
Clean Corrosion from Car Battery Terminals
Pour a can of carbonated Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion

Bake a Moist Ham
Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

Relieve Jelly Fish Stings
Coke can also be used to relieve the sting from Jelly Fish. All you have to do is pour the Coke over the sting.

Clean Tile Grout
Pour a can of Coca Cola on the tile. When wiped it up, the grout will be as white as can be!

Have Greener Grass
Spray Coca-Cola on your grass once a month for super green grass which remains greener than other lawns throughout the fall and winter months. Also, for green grass and no bugs, combine: 1 can of coke, 1 cup of ammonia and 1/4 cup of dish soap. Spray on grass once a month.
Common Cold Remedy

Take some fresh ginger and put it in a pot with a can of Coca Cola. Let it come to a boil and then cook on a low heat for a few minutes. Drink while warm. It will ease your cold symptoms!

Make a Tender Pot Roast
When preparing a pot roast, use Coke instead of water. It tenderizes and imparts a unique flavor.

Get Rid of Bug and Road Film
Got bug guts and road haze on you car windshield? Take a can of warm Coca Cola, shake and spray onto the windshield. Wipe it off and rinse and water, clean as could be!

Used as Marinade

Remove Blood

The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pa is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.

Drink up.

Its stupidly quiet at work so I may as well tell about the weekend.

2006-01-08T09:16:00.000Z

I wasn't up til 12 on Saturday and I blame that Christopher Bate for supplying me with alcohol all night. Ugh. Still I managed to watch the football as my team wee on telly and we won so spirits were lifted.

There have been some worrying things happening these lat few days involving my observation and memory skills. Ok observation isn't that worrying as I often miss things happening around me but apparently in the middle of night I shouted out to Chris whhich I have no recollection of and I also asked him for some money he owed me only to be told he had given it me. So I went through my laundry and there it was in an old pair of jeans. Hmmm. Probably more strangely our other housemate came home and adv Id left the oven on (I was the only one in) and I had also left the xbox switched on despite the fact I was still watching tv. Think the old grey matter is giving up on me.

Was baby sitting last night, the girls are still beautiful though the baby was playing me up all night (I probably forgot something), I eventually got her to sleep at 11:30. Fortunately the toddler is so well behaved she was in bed for 9pm and did everything I asked. Well Im gonna snooze through today with a bit of luck, Hope you all are having a good one.

I feel like being poignant

2006-01-06T12:43:00.000Z

Anyone remember that poem that says we should be grateful for what we got and stop whinging or words to that effect? I think it was by Kipling but Im often wrong on these things so I thought I would try my own version.

Try telling someone in a doll queue that your job is awful
Try telling someone with Cancer that your dying for a fag
Try telling someone in a wheel chair that you dont want to walk home
Try telling the homeless that your bills are too high
Try telling someone infertile that your kids are annoying you
Try telling an addict about the cost of drugs
Try telling a blind man that you dont like whats on the telly
Try telling a jailbird that you dont like to go out

Try telling a politician about the cost of prostitutes
Try telling a rockstar not to release a second album
Try telling The Steve how Shakespeare rhymed

I have over heard 2 quotes for this week

2006-01-04T11:48:00.000Z

Firstly at a football match I heard a man tell his daughter:

"You can call him (the referee) a wanka, but don't call him a black wanka. Thats racist"

Clearly she is growing up to be a classy lady who will be mindful of ethnic minorities.

The second one is my favourite that I overheard in one of those meat market type clubs:

"Excuse me, do you like gay men? Because I was thinking of becoming bi"

Actually said by a man to a woman and I was dying to know what happened next but had to leave. Damn.

2006-01-03T08:06:00.000Z

Ok, did I make this up, find it on some dodgy unreliable internet page or is it true....?

The word fuck comes from the British middle ages. It was a time when to have sex you first of all had to gain permission from the king.

The man would visit the king and would gain a certificate that would read Fornication Under Censorship for the King and became known as the fuck certificate. That way any knight who passed your way would know that your hut was bringing life into the world legally.

I just felt sorry people who lived int he North of the country as it could take them days to travel far enough to receive the permission.

SAYONARA 2005

2006-01-02T09:46:00.000Z

So isn't this the time of year when your suppossed to review the year, talk about highlights and lowlights, etc, etc.

Well I dont like sounding too down so I'll sum it up.

It sucked.
Worst year ever.

Though it did make me realise how lucky my life had been up to this point.

All this work after I had days off is not good for the soul

2005-12-30T19:52:00.000Z

If I have told you once I cant help you, please dont ask me the same question in a variety of manners because I still won't be able to.

If you wish to swear at me, please be aware that as soon as you hang up I will call you much worse to many more people.

If you are trying to con credits out of me please come up with something original so I can at least be amused as I point out the flaws in your argument.

If you think that I know the lottery numbers please ask yourself; why would I share them? Why would I be listening to you? Why would I have gone to work today? How many others have asked me for them today? and please please please question whether my laugh is fake or not.

If you think that you know more than me because you are solicitor please advise of the book you have read that is dedicated towards my job, which, coincidentally I received training in. The same goes for policemen.

If you are wanting a service that we do not offer please be aware that it doesnt matter how loud you shout the magic fairies who create new technology will not wake up any quicker.

If you wish to come here and meet me to threaten me face to face please be aware that you cannot drive 300+ miles before I go home and that there are over 1000 people who work here so I'll be difficult to spot as you dont know what I look like. Second thoughts Im the one whose 7ft tall and just as wide with defined muscles and a screw you attitude.

yeah I screwed up

2005-12-30T14:00:00.000Z

Sorry for anyone who wanted to visit yesterday I messed up my settings while trying to incorporate some visual aids on here. I really shouldn't be allowed to touch computers as Im an idiot.

Anyone who wants to laugh and call me stupid can you please also point at the screen and mock as it seems more playful and i got used to it that way a school.

Im a leading man!

2005-12-27T12:03:00.000Z

Jimmy Stewart
You scored 19% Tough, 9% Roguish, 61% Friendly, and 14% Charming!

You are the fun and friendly boy next door, the classic nice guy who still manages to get the girl most of the time. You're every nice girl's dreamboat, open and kind, nutty and charming, even a little mischievous at times, but always a real stand up guy. You're dependable and forthright, and women are drawn to your reliability, even as they're dazzled by your sense of adventure and fun. You try to be tough when you need to be, and will gladly stand up for any damsel in distress, but you'd rather catch a girl with a little bit of flair. Your leading ladies include Jean Arthur and Donna Reed, those sweet girl-next-door types.

Find out what kind of classic dame you'd make by taking the Classic Dames Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 26% on Tough

You scored higher than 20% on Roguish

You scored higher than 93% on Friendly

You scored higher than 12% on Charming

Link: The Classic Leading Man Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Humbled

2005-12-27T09:49:00.000Z

I know its the end of the year but I keep being thanked for things I have done. It's a strange experience as I haven't done anything that was out of the ordinary, just been a good family member and friend (yes I can be when I want to be) or even stranger - employee!

I always think that when something is done, it's done. Good or bad. Past. If I have had to work really hard at something but done it then I forget about the work. If have done something wrong I cant go back and not do it or not do it that way.

Thanking people at the end of a year seems alien to me, especially when I don't feel I deserve it and didnt realise that people recognised things I do. It just makes me think I should be more thankful and feel humble.

I had this joke emailed to me and thought I'd share!

2005-12-21T19:56:00.000Z

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Peter Pan

2005-12-20T16:58:00.000Z

I really enjoyed myself in my late teens and early twenties. I had a purpose and some good friends. Some independance and just the right amount of responsibilities.

I guess I wanted to keep that. I wanted to stay as I thought then. I did want to grow up any more and wanted to keep the potential I saw in front of myself.

What I didnt realise was that the people around me grew up, changed, accepted more responsibility, experienced different things. Things that they enjoyed matured and ambitions were changed.

The places where I enjoyed myself also changed, were inhabited by a new group of people experiencing the fun I did. They have been knocked down and refurbished, closed and become foreign to me.

I couldn't hold on to being a child, I could only make the most of the time I had and keep it as long as possible. That was my mistake. I held on too long and let opportunities pass while I grasped at one more cheap joke, one more energetic adventure or one more effort at reviving a lost love.

People do this all the time. There are stereotypes of people who were popular at school and so never moved on into accepting adulthood, people who were so popular in their first job that they gladly accept the respect that people half their age give them. Me I just got stuck in a time warp a little later in life and now whinge that Im stuck in a rut while I lie on a sofa reaching for another can of beer and watch tv.

The simple truth is though that I have never accepted my age. I dont even know what I should be doing. I do know that as many people laugh at me as there are who wish they could get away with my lifestyle. I know that when your young you want everything quickly. I still am young. But im not shining as brightly as I did, no one does, thats naturel.

I had this discussion the other day...

2005-12-20T15:09:00.000Z

Sorry to rehash old conversations but I have been thinking about this. How would you live if you got unexpectedly sent back int ime to the 50's in a similar way to Back To The Future.

One of the key words here is unexpectedly so you wouldnt have time to prepare in any way. One of the first thoughts is obviously to place bets on sports or events that you know the out come to. However In any given year how much do you really know definately happens. I love football but could not tell you the 1950 fa cup winner without doing some research and what if I had to wait til that match took place? What would I do in the meantime?

Another problem with gambling is what about cause and effect theory. Your very being there could influence the outcome of many events indirectly according to modern philosophy and of course in this country the currency has changed. Any change in my pocket would be obsolete in the 1950's so I would need something to bet with in the first place.

Another point I thought of is inventing something years before it actually should happen. Many of the things we take for granted today that make our lives easier simply were not used then or not up to the same standard such as digital tv. However I have no idea again how to make digital tv and any description I use would be to people who have no idea what im talking about and thats if I can meet the people capable of mass producing such things in the first place. I personally wouldnt know where to start without "well Im from the future..." and being put in a mental hospital.

Seeking out family members would be a short term option but convincing them to a let a stranger into their house or that you really are related to them when they have never heard of you could prove tricky. In my case my Mom and Dad were very young at this time so it would bedoubly difficult to persuade someone with a young child in the house to give you shelter out of the kindness of their heart.

To do something for prosperity would appeal to the kind hearted out there such as advice of medical conditions not yet feared like the effects of smoking or alcohol. STD's weren't commonly educated til the last few years especially with the effects of AIDs popularised in the 80's. One problem though who is going to believe you? You dont even exist on any record and even if you do happen to be a qualified Doctor could you prove it if unexpectedly sent back in time?

To create something of literary or musical acclaim before it was popularised raises an ethical issue but if you can avoid that most people would have some idea of what was popular and when. The problem I personally would have musically is performing the song that I would be ripping off despite the knowledge that some producer somewhere would listen to it as history dictates they do. To repeat something written would require a more word for word repetition though the basic idea may carry you through if you were already a skilled writer. Again this may prove more difficult if you have little or no writing experience or an in depth knowledge of the person who wrote it in history.

So im out of ideas what I would do to survive, having impressed with my funky fashion sense that everyone else will think is wierd and even the mobile phone in my pocket would impress for only a very short period of time before the battery died and couldnt be recharged. What would you do?

I've been tagged by the thoughtful Chloe

2005-12-19T13:12:00.000Z

I've seen this go around and always managed to avoid them til now. But damnit Chloe wants to know what I like and what I've been doing and thought she'd make my embarrasment public rather than asking by email.

10 years ago: I was 16 and had just started college. I was doing my a-levels and had been with my first girlfriend for about a month now and was probably stressing over what to get her christmas.

5 years ago: So I was 21 then and living in Liverpool while at uni studying Psychology and English. Many good memories and many funny stories that I have often bored people with. I would also have been working at Pizza Hut and doing about 60hr weeks this time of year.

Last year: By now I'm living with Chris. Im 25 and know im stuck in a rut telling myself that by this time next year I'll have sorted myself out. I haven't.

Yesterday: I went over my parents house and hung up a door on the kitchen because they were whinging it was cold. I had to plane it outside and it was raining. downer. I also went over my Grans who was in a reflective mood telling me about her friends who have died this year and how hard it is to make close friends when your old because with new people you meet you only have pleasant conversation and you cant talk to them deeply. She advised me to keep all my friends close and never take them for granted. Ever decreasing circles and all that.

5 yummy things: Cheesecake, Carbonara, Curry, Pizza and Pork and I am aware of how unhealthy that is

5 things I know by heart: (I think I missed the point on this one but couldn't think of anything so here goes) My birthday, my address, my computer logins, my way home, my name

5 things I'd do if I had lots of money: Pay off my debts (I would love to be debt free), Buy a house, give Chris enough so he could take some time off work to write properly, make sure my neices get something when their old enough to have a good start in adulthood.

5 places I escape to: My imagination, football matches, I use my Xbox as escapism, my car, A walk in the park

5 Things I would never wear: Im always up for a laugh and a joke and so would wear anything. Im not a proud man.

5 Fave TV shows: Scrubs, Futurama, Blackadder, Man/Woman, Curb Your Enthusiasm. I hate things like Little Britain, The Fast Show and other generic repetitions.

5 things I enjoy doing: Playing football ( I never have a care int he world when Im running with a ball at my feet but I havent been able to play this year), Playing pool (I play lots and Im still rubbish), Going to cinema, Playing Guitar (started to learn this year and im not very good yet but i can play some things) annoying Chris (I wind him up at every opportunity.

I have no idea how I finished this

I like being single

2005-12-15T15:32:00.000Z

I like to go to bed when Im ready.
I like to watch what I want on the tv before i fall asleep.
I like to spread myself out when sleeping.
I like to make decisions on the spot.
I like not having plans weeks in advance.
I like that I can be selfish without feeling guilty.
I like shopping for things I want to eat.
I find cooking for one much easier.
I like it when my phone bill is only just over my contract amount.
I like being left alone when I'm watching sport.
I like that no one cares how drunk I get.
I like that no one nags me over how much money I have.

Would be nice to get a hug every now and then though;
and to have someone who genuinely wants me to tell about their day and listen to what I have to say.

Shall I try this?

2005-12-15T09:22:00.000Z

Tally ho folks of the non feathered farnication I have a tale to tell.

So Im in our local shop of the record selling variety wondering why I cant find any new material by Queen or The Beatles when I over hear a man approach the counter girl.

I'd like to return this CD please

Oh, ok whats wrong with it?

Nothing, I've just already copied it

Er ok have you a reciept?

Yep, here you go.

Thanks here's your refund.

ok thats probably not the exact conversation but you get the gist. Now admittedly the cheeky chappie was a tall Thor of a man who I didnt fancy arguing with but surely he could do that all day with DVDs and CDs and have a massive almost free collection stored on his computer or cheaply burnt onto a new cd. I may try this.

So what fantabulous frolics have you been up to?

Its Blogger day

2005-12-14T10:04:00.000Z

As well as checking out Chris at www.thechristopherbatepropaganda.blogspot.com to say happy birthday why not spread the love to another of my favourite bloggers Devil Mood who also has a birthday today (wed 14th) at www.lovestrongerthanpride.blogspot.com and check out some posts from Portugal.
(sorry I cant do those fancy click here things that others can but you can find them both on my side bar if your feeling lazy) Happy Birthday Guys and good work parents.

Why not check out...

2005-12-13T17:53:00.000Z

...Young Christophers blog at www.thechristopherbatepropaganda.blogspot.com and wish him a happy birthday for tomorrow (Wednesday) as he will be 26 days (oops) old

I got tagged for 5 things

2005-12-13T10:44:00.000Z

I've been tagged to write 5 things about myself that other bloggers dont know, this is especially difficult for me as I live with a blogger for 2 years (our anniversary was 6th Dec (say ahhh) anyway thanks Toothfairy (check out her link on my sidebar) and here goes:-

1) I have been on stage thrice; once in West Side Story when I was at school. Once whe I was in The Tempest as part of my A-levels and finally with something myself and a group of friends wrote ourselves (it bombed and only lasted 3 nights).

2) I am so terrible at anything that involves craft that I was considered disabled at primary school and had to have special lessons. Even when I was 16 I failed at technology lessons. This year though I have renuvated a house so maybe im getting better!

3) I was once asked to be part of a choir. I was actually asked at school as well so I guess thats twice I declined both times.

4) My parents used to go over the top to make me believe in Santa. My dad would climb on roof and shake bells for me to hear, my Mom would open door and go HO HO HO, before saying oh he's still awake and shutting it again. They would dress up and put a stocking in my room and tell me stories in the morning about how he came and enjoyed what I had left out for him. One year they even put currents in the snow and said it was rudolph's droppings. When my sister was older she too joined in and told me how she saw him but that backfired as I then insisted on staying awake as late as possible

5) I knocked myself out on a drunken weekend in Dublin by jumping straight into a light fitting. fortunately i still caught the expensive light as it fell on top of me before my own lights went out and I still have a nice scar on my head from which I didnt stop bleeding for about half an hour. I remember it clearly and a nice headache the next day, nothing a trip to the Guiness factory didn't fix!

So now I have to nominate 5 people to do the same,you dont have to of course but it may be fun as I dont know much about some of you. So I nominate:-

Cathy
Anhoni Patel
Neurotic Missy
Devil Mood
Geezer Squeezer

Cheers chaps, what ho

What Steve's thinking

2005-12-12T13:51:00.000Z

Is it wrong to get emotional watching the Sports Personality Of The Year?

I think I may start calling people Banana Breasts

Is Radiohead's 'Fake Plastic Trees' about dildo's?

If a man had a heart attack just before he was about to be given a lethal injection would they give medical help first or just go through with it? It must have happened as im guessing being about to be killed would be quite stressful.

When I posted about the general public being able to vote I didn't realise the mistakes were already made. Near our local shopping centre our idiot council has allowed a fairground ride to be erected on the car park. Yes thats right a car park, parking lot whtever you want to call it is clearly the ideal place to have kids running around

Women are evil, Hollywood says so

2005-12-11T08:53:00.000Z

Having been watching movies lately it seems young girls today have only bitchiness to model themselves on.

While in every society values are going to evolve naturally but it seems now they are not changing but disappearing and replaced with an acceptance of selfishness.

This may seem sexist but it does seem men are portayed as chivalrous, heroic and caring in most movies where women seem to lack a sense of loyalty or gratitude and it is replaced by some new funky slut perspective but its ok if your strong and independant.

Id better shut up now before I get lynched and yes I am a bitter man

The Adventures of Chris and Steve at Christmas

2005-12-08T18:02:00.000Z

Chris: How on earth are we gonna get to the shops to buy our Christmas dinner. The traffic is so bad people have started to put car license plates on AA maps.

Steve: It's ok I have a plan. For we have a need for speed.

Chris: We're gonna walk aren't we?

Steve: Not this year. You see after last year when my arms nearly dropped off carrying that stuffing mixture home I started work upstairs come and see.

Chris: I was upstairs this morning. Nothings changed except you cleaned up the Loft Monsters faeces.

Steve: No I mean upstairs past the loft monsters room.

Chris: You mean above the loft?

Steve: Yes, c'mon

(Chris stands with open eyed amazement)

Chris: you built a landing pad without me noticing

Steve: And a Carrier jet

Chris: Carrier jet?

Steve: Yes, to carry things in

Chris: You mean because Harrier has already been made?

Steve: No because there's no such thing as 'Harrying'

Chris: Thats not what his boyfriend says.

Steve: Hehe

Chris: No one laughs using hehe. That noise has never been made.

Steve: Oh. ok.

(Steve laughs a little)

Steve: There is that better for you.

Chris: Yes, lets go. Here's your crash helmet. To the Danger Zone!

Steve: You mean the supermarket?

Chris: Just fly it.

Steve: Yeah and we can bomb old people who get in our way, fly mach one past a control point and spill tea everywhere, do some 360's and make it roll and...

Chris:...I'll drive.

Steve: Damn.

(Our handsome heroes land on the supermarket roof 3.14 seconds later which reminds they also need pie for dessert)

Steve: Oooh and as well as a turkey we also need a pie (see told you)

Chris: Well done Einstein. Any ideas how we're gonna get down off this roof and into the supermarket?

Steve: That man there will help us

Morgan Freeman: Welcome Gentleman, I am God.

Chris: I think you just played God in a film

Morgan Freeman: You dont believe me? Well I can tell you how many fingers are behind your back.

Steve: It just seems unusual that you come across God on top of a supermarket roof

Morgan Freeman: Just put your fingers behind your back.

Chris: OK, ok. How many have I got

(Steve whispers to 'God')

Morgan Freeman: 7

Chris: Yes, yes well done I used two hands

Morgan Freeman: I know cos I am God and I will give you my powers if you think you can do a better job

Chris: firstly he just told you the answer and secondly I dont want your powers. Your just lazy aren't you passing them off to whoever you meet?

Steve: Shhhh. Look Morgan, I mean god can you help us off the roof?

Morgan Freeman: Er yess run down that fire escape after Brad Pitt until he gets shot.

Chris: I think you've swapped characters that was from another of your films...

Steve: Shhhhh! Come on.

(The good looking gods of guyhood make it into the store)

Chris: Woah its so busy we cant get anywhere in here. Its gonna take hours.

Steve: Dont worry I stole this cloak off some kids that makes us invisble and we caqn pass through anywhere.

Chris: Cool, You gonna put it on.

Steve: No. You are cos you look more like Barry Potter

Chris: You mean Harry Potter

Steve: If it makes you feel better, yes you can be Harry.

Chris: Hey I just thought you made a mistake, Dont take it out any me if you look like Demi Moores understudy from GI Jane

Steve: I didnt make a mistake your a bigger hairer version of Harry so definately more like a Barry Potter

Chris: Im not hairy

Steve: So your admitting it is beastiality when you nob a gorilla then?

Chris: Look this is a Christmas story you cant talk about beastiality.

Steve: Ok, ok lets find the Turkey

Chris: Ha, ha Turkey fucker.

Steve: No one laughs like that either

(Chris laughs a little)

Chris: Turkey fucker!

Steve: Thats better

(Our Beautiful non-bender Boys find all they need using the magic cloak and even manage to sneak out without paying)

Chris: I cant get the bird in the cock seat

Steve: Keep trying you can get it into position

Chris: How are you doing with the stuffing?

Steve: Cant quite get it up the back here. No your doing that all wrong if you can get the breast out first then you can fold it over and part the legs and shove it in

Chris: Ok it's in Im just gonna have to lie with the legs over my shoulders and the rest of this stuff between my legs, can you pull your seat forward a bit?

Steve: This is a Carrier Jet, no I cant pull the seat forward

Chris: Alright Kranky

(The jet takes off slowly)

Steve: Woah, what was that?

Chris: I don't know but it was close, what are those flashing lights?

Steve: We're gonna crash and the ejector seats stuck... shit there it goes, the shopping... NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chris: The bird.. Goose, Goose. Talk to me Goose. GOOOOOSE!

Steve: You named the dinner?

Chris: No they'd just run out of Turkey's

Steve: Don't worry one day you'll get over it and your love will grow back, you just gotta lost that loving feeling.

Chris: But whats that over there still in the sky

Steve: I think the Goose's entrails started flaming cos we're that high up.

Chris: You mean they're great balls of fire?

Steve: Exactly now lets what moron nearly hit us.

Chris: He's over there and still laughing. How can you be Jolly when you nearly kill someone.

Steve: Oh my god its Santa... He's always jolly. Santa, what were you doing driving like that?

Santa: Im training some new reindeers, They're doing their test but they're really nervous. They failed last time cos Rudolph forgot to indicate his nose just stayed red and didnt flash

Chris: You have a new Rudolph?

Santa: Yeah they only live a few years.

Steve: What you need to do is get some pills from the doctor to calm them down.

Santa: I tried but he wouldnt prescribe them any.

Chris: Did you try the vet?

Santa: No. Last time I went there this Doctor kept on at reindeer trying to hypnotise them. I told him they cant understand but he kept on at them. Didnt seem to do much.

Steve: How much good would you say he did?

Santa: Only a little.

Chris: Will you too stop waffling bought some guy who talks to animals but only seems to do little about their problems. We need to get Rudolph and the others trained so we can save christmas

Steve: Huh

Chris: Oh come on just about everyone else in fiction saves Christams at some point.

Santa: But how do you train a reindeer?

Steve: How did you do the others?

Santa: Well we used an Elf but I lost him somewhere in New York. We'll never find him now.

Chris: Oh im sure he'll stand out

Steve: TO the Carrier Jet.

(The wannabe seasonal saviours scream through the sky to good old NYC)

Steve: There he is jumping in puddles

Chris: And having a snowball fight

Steve: And decorating a toy store.

Santa: What an idiot. His first time in a new city and he doesn't do any of the cool stuff.

Steve: Yeah I wanna met Spiderman

Chris: Dude he's fictitious

Steve: But your ok with the fact we just took a plane ride with Santa?

Chris: Yeah, and here comes the elf.

Elf: All you need to do to train a reindeer is sing to it

Steve: What if we just give it a treat everytime they do something right?

Elf: No. These are magic animals

(Chris starts taking notes)

Steve: So now your ok with taking lessons from an elf about singing songs to magic animals but im not allowed to meet Spiderman in New York with the Bugle just over there?

Chris: And end with a lullaby, thanks Elf. Come on Steve lets go save Christmas with Santa.

Steve: If your not gonna listen to me you can't borrow my guitar

Santa: Now, now if your not good I'll have to put you on my naughty list.

Steve: Get in the plane red rummy and if your gonna keep being cheeky I aint giving you a lift back to your sledge.

Chris: Play us a song on the way back

Steve: I would do but at this altitude it's hard to breathe in fact its gonna "take my breathe away..."

(Chris and Santa hum along)

Rudolph: Now I've heard that I know how to fly with all air traffic regulations. Look at my nose blink, left and right.

Chris: Excellent we saved Christmas.

Santa: And dont worry I know what you boys want for Christmas

Steve: Yay Spidermans coming!!!

Saturday night photo blog

2005-12-05T17:32:00.000Z

So Saturday night comes and I plan to stay in having been out at work all day and an early start in the morning. However I get home and my housemates are planning a night out trying to convince me to come and as I was in a spontaneous moodI thought what the hell. I cant be bothered to write about it so took some pics with my phone instead

Here the guys get a few nasty shots in. I decline because a) im a wuss, b) I dont want to get stupidly drunk

Welcome to the toilets in the civic. I know Chris and I have done this pic before but I thought I'd recreate it

Why is it whenever you wink at a camera you look like an idiot

This is Mark and myself beaming away cos I have alcohol and Mark knows there is pulling potential in any bar (seriously but I dont know how)

I like to think Chris is dancing to "I am the ressurection" here but he's not

Here we are getting ready and all end up in the toilet together. I even cleaned my teeth while Chris pee'd. I feel we grew closer somehow. Another boundry crossed

Me and Nick trying to look like we're not already tipsy

This is actually us dancing.. I promise I havent just hurt Chris

I like capturing the moment when no one's looking

Our party grew and people jumped on each other. It happens

Damn posers, look Laurie's hair, wish I had long hair

More shots. Bloody alcoholics.

My phone camera sucks in the dark so this is the best action shot your gonna get but as usual we were awesome. I promise.

This is Chris coming back from the bar. As you probably cant see his hands are empty. Like my pockets.

I may have a butch hair cut but I didnt know I drunk like a girl as well

Im digging the wrist bands. Nice Christmas lights too.

Chris and Mark caught mid-rock. Awesome.

I know your not used to two posts in one day as Im lazy but check out the one below as I think it will be fun!

Wanna get a card

2005-12-05T13:59:00.000Z

For all those who wanna receive a Christmas card I would love to send one so if you dont mind email me your address in time for me to get a card in last post (stehouse79@hotmail.com) and if your lucky I'll get Chris to sign it too! That signature could be worth something one day!!!

Im Scared

2005-12-04T14:52:00.000Z

Speaking to about 100 random members of the British public every day I really think it is imperative that we place further restrictions upon who is eligible to vote

I have buyers remorse because I look like a stereotypical lesbian pauper

2005-12-01T15:51:00.000Z

Today I was asked in one of those deep slow deliberate voices that show you your meant to think about something if I could ever be friends with myself should I have a clone.
So I said "hell yeah" only to be greeted by a slow shaking of the head and a "think about it".

So I thought about how arrogant I am, how annoying I can be, How much I tease people, How im a terrible drunk who either gets so extrovert I embarrass everyone or so down I cant be consoled and I thought HELL YEAH I would be. Did I mention arrogant?

Habits

2005-11-30T14:38:00.000Z

A while ago I promised I would do a post on my habits which I completely forgot to do so Im gonna cobble together somethings now.

When its cold like now, I wear socks to bed. In fact I just purchased some thermo socks. Excellent.

I play with my hair lots. Of course I cant do that now but when I could I was a rght twiddler.

I always wash myself in the same order every day.

I often make up things or exaggerate things in my imagination. Most of which never gets written or remembered.

I remember the way I start a conversation and try to say something different the next time.

and that will do for now I've been honest enough

So I was on the bus today....

2005-11-28T13:06:00.000Z

Ok so most people who know me know I drive to work but im trying to make this realistic ok?

... And this one old lady said to this old man "have you lived here all your life?" and the old man said "not yet". ripples of amusement go round the bus like a domino.

see wasnt it worth putting up with my lies for one more joke?

I'm a Barbie Steve....

2005-11-25T12:39:00.000Z

I woke up this morning and thought this is it. For the first time in one and a half years i'm gonna get a hair cut. So for posterities sake and because I like embarrassing myself, oh and it gives me a good chance to give a tour of Westfield. Here is lots of pictures of me pre-cut(excuse the arrogance)

I have no idea what order these pictures come in

And I promise this is not a gay website (although....)

Isnt our house setup very 70's. We're not allowed to decorate as we rent

Have you to the one that looks like I have a pineapple on my head yet? (curse Baddiel and Skinner)

And what about the rat tail. I felt like an 80's business man, I probably got a suit somewhere to match

Theres one where I combed two side parting and the rest in front of me like a waterfall.... I banged my toe taking that one as I couldnt see shit

Isn't greasy hair easy to move around?

Anyone bored yet?

You should see how much hair I have in my brush now

Like the upside down one? Well ladies I took that in Chris's room while I was upside down, I know how jealous you must be

Right now all I have to do is find a 'Ken' to play with and stop humming aqua

Amused and bemused

2005-11-20T13:29:00.000Z

Just thought I'd share some weekend anecdotes.

Firstly I got banned from our local shop. I'd popped round for wine and beer and given the trusty old shopkeep a nice new £20 note for him to put in his little till, give me a bag and some change and then I wander off my merry way for a big evening in. But not this time. My recently gained money is scrutinised with a UV light, held up, tugged at and even tasted before I'm eventually asked "Is this real?". I shrug and say "far as I know; I haven't checked it" having just fetched it so I can only presume it is properly minted. The disgruntled man who is usually quite chirpy puts in his till very slowly and starts counting out my change in what must have been the longest transaction in history before saying "you look like one of those computer guys who could make fake money you see?". Now I find this amusing as firstly I probably have less knowledge of how to use a computer than a monkey with a red hat (anyone else like Futurama?) and secondly I didn't even know thats how you make fake money but I will now investigate it and in this conversation decided to be affable so replied "wish I did" and give a grin and short laugh. These pleasantries seemed to the job as I got one of those half laughs, half snorts and my change which included a crumpled up tenner. Ever one to play to an audience I decided to mock check this tenner by opening it up and holding it to the light and asking a rather annoyed face "is this one real?" And now i'm banned. Bummer.

So the rest of Friday night passes with tv and pizza and Saturday comes along. Nick comes over and being the bad influence he is we decide that as we have nothing better to do we may as well start drinking. So I send Nick over to the shop after having told him in minute detail why Im banned and at 14:00hrs GMT we start our drinking binge while playing Xbox and inventing drinking games, such as when you die in battlefront you have to druink before you spawn again. Every time the ball goes out of play on pro evo soccer you have to drink. Keep drinking til the other one loses a battle on ultimate spiderman (which happened quite often) and you get the point. Anyway this isnt the anecdote but background information so you can gather how drunk we were when we decided to go out to a karaoke.

Having seen Franz Ferdinand in the week I decide to give my own tribute to them and rock the place to Dark Of The Matinee and Take Me Out which are the only Franz songs they have. This however doesnt sit well with these girls who are sitting opposite Nick.
"What the fuck is this?"
"It's Franz Ferdinand"
"Who are they? This is meant to be a pop karaoke"
"they're very popular one of the biggest indie bands in the UK"
Stupid girl pulls a face that Nick interprets as her not liking the genre but when I sit down (to raptuous applause may I add) nothing is said to me until an hour later when I get
"Will you buy me a drink?"
"er, no"
(the girl looks stunned and coninues)
"why not?"
"well usually what happens is people introduce themselves, talk a bit, maybe flirt a little and then I may offer to buy you a drink."
"oh"
The girl sits down for about 10 minutes before approaching us again.
"If you buy me a drink, I'll do a back flip"
"er.. Im still on no"
"I can do it, Im a gymnast"
"I believe you I just dont care enough"
"Look I've recorded some on my phone"
She shows me some grainy footage of what is supposed to be her at a gymanstics event and it looks quite impressive
"Well I've seen it now without buying you a drink but thanks."
The girl sits down again and discusses what had transpired with her friends while I tell Nick how wierd it seemed to me and he has finished his drink so I give him some money to get the next round in and finish mine off. Almost as soon as he gets up this girls fugly (I've been watching MeanGirls and found that expression amusing) friend shouts over (Can't even be arsed to get up and approach me) "I heard you were getting all of us a drink" I shake my head and find it funny to hold my remains of a pint up and wink over before tipping it from pint to pint while smiling at them and finishing my routine with a fountain into my mouth and a satisfied grin. Now while I found this funny, fugly friend gets really annoyed and flicks the V's at me and mouthing something that I couldn't guess but gather wasnt very friendly so I decide to ignore the situation and when I glance over 5 minutes later the poor girl is nearly crying which I can only assume wasnt just to do with my frolics but felt guilty all the same. Oh and they started dancing later and the back flip was perfomed and very impressive though it did look out of place at a pop karaoke.....

Things I dont like

2005-11-18T15:37:00.000Z

I dont like eyes. Except when I really like someone then I cant stop looking at them but I hate my own stupid dont work well enough eyes. I hate it when people touch their own eye an it is something I have never come close to doing. Why is it when you tell someone this they instantly try to touch their own eye? Next time someone tells me they don't like spiders Im gonna hand them one. Anyway here is my eye, hate it as much as I do

I also hate my hair. It wont go straight, not even when it is soaking wet. Not with an hours use of straighteners or with enough gel to create a wierd type of clay. Here it is recently washed

What made me smile today is playing with my neice

Steve is ill

2005-11-17T17:25:00.000Z

The Steve is off work today as he feels ill. He also likes to talk about himself in the third person. As well as this the Steve will often play with his hair for comfort. He will also wear a mask over his face or shield his eyes with glasses or hands. The Steve will regularly fold his arms when talking to people and sit cross legged. When answering a question The Steve will ask one in reply and has a habit of either talking very quietly or very loudly.

What made me smile today

2005-11-15T15:16:00.000Z

Apparently I am inadvertantly funny.

My gay co-worker aimed an empty can towards a bin near me but couldnt see whether it was a successful shot. So for the first time I said to a gay man "it rimmed but it went in." Cue giggles

Attn. Ladies

2005-11-14T14:19:00.000Z

Is your life lacking a little dazzle?

When you look out does there always seem to be drizzle?

Do you want a conversation with a bit more schizzle?

Then please line up for new and improved C-Bizzle!
(while stocks last)
(item may differ from picture shown - shit blogger wont let me put up a pic, oh well you know who it is)

Inward thinking.

2005-11-14T11:45:00.000Z

Last night I watched a film that made me think very much about myself. Made me think about things such as a purpose in life and some kind of self fulfilment.

I struggled to think of any kind of meaning. I cant see that I am destined for any kind of greatness or that I can make a difference to anyone else. I don't believe I really have any positive influence on anything outside of my own brain cells. Im not insulting myself in saying this there are only a limited few people who do have this ability and opportunity to do something great in world terms. This however leads to the question what can you do in your own life? I can't think of anything other than carry on existing.

This may sound down but bare with a moment and I'll explain my way of thinking. If I weren't here what would change? At work I speak to roughly 100 customers everyday but they dont care who they speak too and I doubt whether any of them would remember the name of the person they spoke too or be suitably impressed to remember as different to any other of my colleagues. I could claim this isnt my fault as we are trained to be robots but simply put doesn't one need to be in charge of their own life? In general society I do not do any charity or voluntary work, I dont organise or take part in any political inclinations. In fact thinking of it this way Im more of a drain on society than a positive. In terms of love I am single with no family of my own. No one who relies on me and if I'm honest I'm happier that way; fortunately I'm sure there isn't anyone I know who respects me or my opinion any more than anyone else's. If I wasn't here I doubt many people would even notice. Even with blogging I dont update every day so if I were gone you'd just think "oh Steve hasn't updated today" and this would continue until you eventually give up checking. This I would guess would be the same for everyone.

However like I say Im not being down or suicidal wishing I wasn't here just trying to work out a reason and what I havent mentioned is family and close friends. Of course they would be sadder if I wasny here. I dont want to sound arrogant but I do believe these people would miss me. So thats it, thats my purpose to live. To stop close friends and family from being sad. To keep them in a happier state merely by existing. Maybe this is why we have a want, need or will for children, to make life more complete sometimes. Its hardly a goal or an aim but I guess all I can do is the least difficult ever. To live.

This may sound very down, but do you know what? I feel so much better for having written it. Im sorry for the selfishness of it all.

What made me smile today

2005-11-12T14:31:00.000Z

A visiting a friend made (not bought but made) Chris and myself a cake.

What made me laugh today:
A customer who told me calling in wasnt worth the cost of the phone call. (its a free phone number)

ROCK N ROLL
This is an update to original post but England have also got off to a great start in the first day against Pakistan in the cricket. We've beaten the Aussies in rugby and Im gonna stick my neck out we're gonna beat Argentina in football today too even though that hasnt yet started. Steve smiles all night

It's conversation of the day

2005-11-11T12:02:00.000Z

Wow Im liking these daily things:

"It is not company policy to observe a 2 minute silence for remembrance day"

"But we did it last year"

"It is not company policy to observe a 2 minute silence for remembrance day"

"We also did for the tsunami appeal"

"It is not company policy to observe a 2 minute silence for remembrance day"

"ok, ok but it is company policy to sell Poppies?"

"Yes we make a commission from that"

Why Im great today

2005-11-11T09:20:00.000Z

Ok slight change but I suppose I did smile out of relief when I went from waking up to being dressed to logging on at work in 10 minutes! I thought I was gonna be so late especially as the drive usually takes a good 15 minutes but I struck lucky with lights and no traffic.

So im great cos I got to work on time despite waking up very late and seem to have a bit of luck with me today

What made me smile today.

2005-11-10T10:47:00.000Z

In a bid to be more positive every day I can get online I intend to post about one thing that made me smile. Here is the first and it gave me the idea:

I was taking calls at work and one that came through was a compliment for a technician. "I had a man come round today to look at my box in the bedroom and just wanted to say what a thorough job he did"

Don't you just love old people? Our technician clearly did

I Think This Is Why Im Hated

2005-11-08T10:26:00.000Z

So Im at work today and this guy says to me he thinks he has a metal throat as he can down a freshly poured cup of coffee. My argument that machine coffee only uses lukewarm water falls on deaf ears as he is adamant there is some kind of government metal in his throat from when he was young (he's a typical conspiracy theorist).

So I challenge him to drink a coffee that I make using a kettle and see how quickly he can knock it back. Bizarrely he agrees and watches me make said coffee. I bring it over and tell him that he wouldnt be able to knock it straight back like the ones he gets out the machine but let him go ahead and try. He's currently on his way to hospital.

In other news I passed the 2nd part of my course... JUST. I needed 75% to pass and thats exactly what I got. Though checking the answers I did get a few more correct but due to bad punctuation or typing the stupid online marking system didnt recognise the answer was correct. I passed, Im awesome, I dont care bout score but will be more careful in future as its hard enough without mistakes.

Secret Opinions

2005-11-07T08:46:00.000Z

For years now I have wished I could read people's minds. Find out what they really thought without any of this banal conversation stuff. I also thought I could be pleasantly suprised with the results.

What I mean by this is sometimes I find something out I didnt know about someone's opinion. About 3 years after I left school I bumped into the person who would have been our prom queen should we have had a school prom. I expected her opinion of me to be shy, geeky dork as was my own self doubt when I was at school. To my suprise she said hello and remembered me. Not only that but said that when we were at school she just about had a crush on everyone. Especially me. Admittedly this was then followed up by oh look here's my fiance but it was still a nice suprise and made me wonder how many other people thought highly of me without my knowledge.

This however is a double edged blade. Sometimes perhaps ignorance or innocence is better. Only a few nights ago I was talking to one of Chris's friends who works where I used to about two years ago. We got chatting about my former colleagues with the usual "yeah he was sound" or "is xxxx still there" and it turns out someone remembers me very well. Now our friend doesn't tell me who this person is but apparently someone really hated me there. To the extent where they had to be physically held back from picking a fight. The strange thing about this is that I have no idea who could this be. As far as I was concerned those that didnt like me at the most felt indifferently towards me. I know I can be a bit annoying at times but to actually be hated and not have any idea is strange.

At first hearing this didnt bother me but it has been slowly festering in my mind these last few days and is starting to bug me now. It feels like a bit of a confidence blow which I could have taken and dealt with two years ago. Talking about confidence blows I was out on Friday and this kid (I say kid she must have been 18 as it's quite stringent on id where we went but she looked more like she was 15) looked at me, turned to her friend, pointed at me and put her fingers in her mouth as she was about to be sick. There was no previous communication between us at all. Now I know Im hardly a good looking fella. I know that people who like me usually find me amusing or sweet rather than physically attractive. But a sick face? I never thought I deserved that. Bloody kids.

I may need to pick my mind out the gutter

2005-11-06T00:09:00.000Z

Is it wrong to giggle stupidly when someone states they got shot in the eye? Especially when no one else even cracks a smile?

Maybe I should think about having sex sometime soon.....

Sorry I havent been around much lately

2005-11-01T11:13:00.000Z

Ow Bin Yow?

2005-10-30T18:32:00.000Z

Speaking to people on MSN it seems no one has any idea what a Black Country accent which I cunningly possess sounds like. I would best describe it as a Brummie one that isn't quite as monotone and lethargic but my only other way of doing it is by writing in the way it is pronounced. For example the title of this is How are you?

So yow ken bile yer yead if yow do get what im on abit. We'm ere and ere tut stay til yow ken git someone tow teach us proper.

Whats more contagious?

2005-10-27T12:54:00.000Z

There is a saying that laughter is contagious. Sure enough things do seem funnnier when people are laughing. I guess this is why trashy sit coms use 'canned' laughter at anything that could possibly pass as slightly amusing.

This is why watching a comedy is better with a room full of friends or is better at a packed cinema.

However looking around our office today, talking to colleagues I've never even met before putting up with all the rubbish going around (I cant be bothered to go into detail) it would seem the whole place is at an all time low. There is no optimism or hope or a smile. Everyone is despondant and there faces show it.

Looking at a sea of frowning faces reminds me of this weekend. Myself, my better looking house mate and his brother went to a local shopping centre. Now Chris always dis-likes shopping centres but it was amazing how many glum faces there were. Everybody looked miserable. Not one woman who had just found a new pair of shoes or one guy who had heard his football team had just won. Nothing. No smiles at all.

It seems to me that as much as laughter is contagious; misery also, always has a friend.

I need a catchphrase

2005-10-25T11:11:00.000Z

A few nights ago I came home and Chris was playing a game on his PC screaming at it and making me laugh at the depth of his involvement.

That was until last night when I did exactly the same while playing on the Xbox. However I was worse than Chris. "Die Alien DIE" only goes so far when your killing hundreds of them. I need an Arnie type quip to scream out. Thinking caps on please

The Steve's Weekend

2005-10-23T15:50:00.001Z

Ok so due to the popularity of last weeks Steve weekend post I thought I would appease any potential readers and tell you about this weekend.

Friday was an amusing mess of nothingness. We (myself and Chris) watched Smackdown which put me in the mood for hitting him with a few moves. The traditional spear was first as I saw him loitering by the couch area. It was sweet and took him a few minutes to get his breathe back. Following this success I stalked him upstairs and hit him with a DDT onto his bed. Another succesful execution. He tried to get up so I thought as he wasnt winded this time I'd pick him up... and happily slammed him back onto the bed. Finally I had pushed him into fighting back but as his charge at me was obvious and half hearted I swiftly moved aside and let him fall on his face before dropping on him with an elbow to the back. For the rest of the evening we would try and catch each other in an unsuspecting position but neither quite succeeded. So here I am looking moody but im not sure why:

Chris went off to re-dye his hair and pasted his neck blue, which i am going to claim is a bruise from our earlier fighting. Anyway I suprised him with a pic when I crept in behind him and was told not to blog it as he's half naked. As always I do what Chris says:

Though he did let me take a second pic where he was actually posing because I told him he had an Elvis Quiff. This one is less blurred and I havent been told I can't blog it so here he is posing in the mirror with freshly dyed hair:

So quite a boring early Friday then though it did prove that we are actually 12 year olds pretending to be mid 20's. Roll on Saturday.

Saturday afternoon was spent watching a clearly fake DVD of Star Wars. The nice numbers in the corner, pixellating special effects and repeated dialogue (oh wait that was supposed to be in the film) gave it away though it did fulfil my child like tendencies. I combed my hair to a side parting and left it wild and messy before declaring I was Anakin Skywalker. Myself and Chris' bro Nick then had an impromptu pretend light sabre battle that we decided actually looked well choreographed and so used it as our dancing later on in the night. I also got the DJ to print "tonight Matthew, The Steve is going to be Anakin Skywalker" which raised a cheer from.. well me.

With a new hair parting I decided I was going to have a change tonight and also borrowed a T-shirt as I have often been insulted for my fashion sense. Here's a pic of Nick wearing it and looking quirky from a few months ago:

So out we go ready to upset a few stiffs including myself as I was sobre and driving again because I have no money and get them to pay me for being a taxi, sneaky huh? God damnit I have no stories of the evening, we bust a few moves, partied hard, laughed at police brutality (didnt help), had a good old sing song, lost Chris for an hour or so and called it a succesful night.

So today I have been to my Mom's and got dinner cooked for me. Excellent. Took my neice to the park and tired her out and was home in time to watch the football. Chris is off out to watch Kaiser Chiefs and Mark is on holiday so I have house to myself which is cool as I have a lot of studying to catch up on. Shit that reminds me, catch ya laters

The Steve

P.s. Can anyone who wishes to comment please give an appropriate scream at the glory of the Chris pics. Thanks

This post is the most your gonna get outta me this weekend

2005-10-21T21:14:00.000Z

words, words, words, words

Im just practising making a scene

2005-10-20T18:41:00.000Z

Dave reaches for his drink. He takes a sip and looks around cautiously. His eyes appear just over the rim of the tilted glass and he people watches. The bar is full, some people are already drunk but its still early and most people have formed their own little groups, still afraid to mingle with the strangers they will be having fun with in a few short hours.

Dave puts his drink back down and crosses his arms. He is sitting back against a cushioned sofa and rests his head on the back. His dark hair has clearly been knocked out of place by some kind of rush to come out. He doesnt look rushed now. A sigh is let out and Dave views the room again.

Stupid ornamental bronze jars are hanging up, probably never been used, probably never will be unless an army of vikings enter.

Ok I cant be arsed Dave smells of piss how are you?

A weekend with propaganda

2005-10-18T12:56:00.000Z

Ok by now anyone who regularly looks on here has probably checked out Chris' write up on the weekend but I see things differently and have pictures so you can read it again.

On Friday it was the end of a long week and time to see Goldie Lookin' Chain. Walking through Digbeth is always fun if only to see how good your reactions are when a shot goes off but we got there unscathed. The drinks were ridiculously expensive but I did get talking at the bar and it went almost exactly like this:

Bar man: Who's next?

Me: He is (points to guy on left)

Him: Thank fuck for that I've been waiting 20 minutes. Cheers mate do you wanna drink?

Me: Cheers, I'll have a Carling

Him: What about your mates?

Me: Fuck them, they got a round in without me.

Him: Wanna join me and my mates?

Me: No

Him: Why not?

Me: Cos it's kinda wierd.

he looks at me funny for a while

Me: Thanks for the drink, see ya later

Ok so this is Birmingham for you, full of wierdo's. I normally hate it here with a passion but for tonight I'll make the effort.

The first band come on and were suprisingly ok-ish. I forget what they were called but I do like live music and although I wouldn't buy an album and they are only ever gonna be a support band in my meagre opinion, I enjoyed them. So the night was off to a good start in my eyes, bit of strangeness but a free beer, got to boo Zane Lowe (and I wasn't alone though the majority cheered) and a decent enough band.

Then came the second band. Now whilst admitting I like most live music this band could best be described as poor. Metal isnt my favourite genre but then it also isn't out of my taste range. By this I mean I like good metal. To me a drummer should need to use two hands especially to fast thrashy songs, and admitedly he did. In the last song. My first bemused thought maybe it was a gimick that wasn't very well thought through, this thought was furthered by the fact the bassist didnt seem to realise he had more than one string. However I was wrong, they just clearly weren't that good. The lead singer tried and put a lot of effort and was ok in a boring 'this is how im supposed to behave' type of way. I moaned to Chris but his cheeky grin told me he was enjoying it.

So on come the GLC in all thier comedic glory. I saw them at V and thought they were great and I really got into it again. Sure its chav cool but it's taking the piss chav cool and I danced away. Here's my best pic of them:

So the bands finish and the beer prices come down and there is an electricity remaining in the air. The Steve is happy yes? Well too happy really as he chats to everyone who is near him who don't like the second band or Zane Lowe. I was actually told to go tell him he's a twat which I considered until I realised I was getting carried away. I don't like the guy but I have no reason to offend him.

Anyway one such person tells me she's lost all her friends and would I come outside with her. Being a gent I oblige thinking my hand has a stamp on it and I'll get back in easily. Out we go and I get invited back to hers. Some people dont take no I got why? Cos I got a girlfriend. Why? Cos I gotta meet my mates. Why? Cos I just met you. Why? Cos I dont know where you live. Why? I think I've given enough reasons, see ya.

Then guess what happened? Thats right dumbass bouncers wouldn't let me in. After 10 minutes of arguing they started to get funny so I decided to walk off. My night ended sitting on a curb talking to homeless person who apparently has a soon to be successful band. I managed to offend by calling her a reverse Dick Whittington (she had moved up from London looking for a job) and asking where she kept her instruments if she was in a band? She didnt respond. An hour later the boys' came out looking for me. I explained what had happened and we caught the night bus home. Well some of us did, one guy got lost and slept in the train station til they started running again. We however didnt fair much better as we got kicked off bus 4 miles from home. Nice way to stretch the legs and I was sobre by now.

So Saturday comes and I decide to drive. It started off as a pub crawl starting with a meal in the Wetherspoons before moving on to the Royal London. For those of you who dont know here is a pic in the Royal London:

We are having fun. Conversation flows and its a trip to the little civic next. Doesnt really bother me where we go as im not drinking anyway but it does work out well for Chris and little (or should that be big?) brother Nick who manage to blag 2 free We Are Scientists T-Shirts. Here they are showing off their 'winnings'

And then its a trip to Blast Off for the old usual. Tonight however is the first weekend since seeing a semi finished version of Death Rides The Nine and every time Chris comes anywhere near us we excitedly whisper "isnt he the writer of..." which caught on as I heard someone pass the message on to his mate having clearly overheard us. Excellent I thought. We then persisted in bugging the DJ to Chris' name and achievement up in lights. Lines from the film and congrats Chris did flow and here is the man himself dancing in front of it:

We follow this up by dropping to our knees and hero worshipping him but still Mr Cool wasn't embarrassed so we grabbed him and repeatedly threw him in the air. Finally he had to sit down with many persons staring at us. Crazy dancing then was the order of the day with stupid people try and join us but failing. The Franz dance is basically marching a circle with arms aloft and the occassional turn but still dumbasses failed to copy or join in. Nevermind I got my comeuppance when The Man Dont Give A Fuck came on. this time I was launched in the air and eventually dropped with a few pissed off people looking around as a crowd had now formed. We only stayed about an hour after that.

So Sunday comes, there was a small football match which I may have mentioned in a previous post and I completed the first level of my diploma in grammar. Which I passed. Yay me. Sorry said I wasn't gonna talk about myself anymore. Oh well. Hope my explanation is uitably different to Chris'

Oh What A Day

2005-10-16T13:20:00.000Z

Oh what a day,
I won't be singing the Blues.
Cos the Villa win,
And Birmingham lose.
Oh I knoooow,
They won't be singing at Blues.

yes thats right, for the first time in too long we have beaten our scummy blue nosed friends 1-0. Here are some quotes from skysports.com

"Villa then stunned the home crowd when summer signing Phillips opened the scoring with a neat finish from just inside the penalty area"

"Despite heavy pressure from Bruce's side late on they were unable to equalise leaving Villa with West Midlands bragging rights."

and the bbc got a quote in...

Aston Villa boss David O'Leary on his celebrations at the final whistle:
"This is a great win for the fans and players.
Ellis 'working on' takeover bid

"I'm delighted for everyone at the club. The chairman (Doug Ellis) has been very ill and he made a big effort to come today.

"He's taken a lot of stick this week and I could see how delighted he was."

Villa have come off worst in Second City derbies in recent seasons, but Kevin Phillips' strike handed them their first win over their Birmingham rivals since 1993.

The result sparked wild celebrations, with Villa chief David O'Leary finding himself in hot water for heading over the pitch to celebrate with his chairman Doug Ellis who was seated in the directors' box.

Sorensen claims the celebrations were down to the elation the club felt and believes it could be a catalyst for their season.

"It has been a few years since we have beaten them and it meant a lot to everyone," Sorensen told Sky Sports News. "There has been a lot of talk in the papers and words thrown about and it was good for us to put the record straight, get the win and stop the talk about us never being ready for those derby games.

"The players, fans, manager, chairman, everyone was over the moon.

"It is hopefully a kick-start for our season. We have had a slow start with some good and bad results and we looked at this one as the turning point."

Tag team fact giving

2005-10-14T14:51:00.000Z

I've been tagged by Chop Suey to do 20 facts about me (after I made 100 only a few months ago) and since I no longer blog things about myself, here are 20 things that most likely arent true about me... I will call this 20 fictions about me because I think it sounds funny.

1) Just for a laugh I once dressed as Dick Van Dyck from Mary Poppins and did a one man band act around covent garden. I made £9.16

2) The most pull ups I can do using solely my little fingers is 3

3) Being a wild child in the early ninties I earned the nickname firestarter which I patronised as my own. Now whenever Keith Flynt sings that he is the Firestarter he has to give me £1.

4) My left eye is slightly higher than my right. This is due to an accident when I was a baby in which my cheek bone was shattered by a dog trying to learn golf. when they reset the bone it raised my eye socket.

5) I was born with 6 fingers on my left hand; however I lost one trying to copy THAT scene from aliens

6) A gypsy once told me I would be captain of the England Football Team one day after I helped her with her shopping, My mate David was told he would end up slumming it with a communications company after he refused to help.

7) I have so many nicknames that the most apt one is the man with a million nicknames which all my friends call me.

8) I auditioned for Pop Idol and got through to the final round but Simon Cowell said I was too rock n roll and edited me out of the show.

9) I own 51% shares in the world media but they are non profitable. However it does mean I can make up lies and propaganda that have to be published. When Princess Di pissed me off I told the world she was dead. She is still trying to get me to write a retraction but I have banned any coverage of this so the courts wont support a 'dead woman'

10) I met Hulk Hogan. He was so excited to meet me he got a stiffy and it took all the blood away from his muscles. Within minutes he was the size of that geeky guy from Road Trip

11) I write the endings to most of Stephen Kings novels as he always get writers block. I told him that knowing they were read was credit enough.

12) Chris hit me once and knocked a tooth out. I scratch him with it every night while he's asleep so that the scar never heals. I will stop when he pays for me to have a gold tooth.

13) While dancing last weekend I was so good the crowd gathered round clapping a beat and chanting my name. The DJ was booed when the music finished.

14) While jogging for charity I realised I couldn't stop and had actually crossed continents. I bumped into a guy who followed me for ages and he looked a bit like Tom Hanks with a beard.

15) When I was swimming with Dolphins a shark attacked me. I thought I would follow general advice and punch its nose to scare it off. I now have a synthetic arm.

16) I woke up once with a used condom attatched to me and have no idea how it got there. The bench wasn't very comfy though.

17) In an effort to turn back time I once ran across Britain from East to West a la' Superman, however all that happened was I fell in the sea.

18) I once got off from a murder trial claiming that I had left my glasses in the car at the time of the murder.

19) While trying to get to the North Pole I found the quickest way was to saddle up a Polar Bear and get a lift. Like any other taxi driver though he went the long way round to 'miss the traffic' and charged me double fair.

20) My arse (sorry Cindy - Ass) is so bony the chair has gone on strike.

I quite enjoyed writing this and am very interested in what others have to say in their 20 fictional things about them so I tag everyone who can be arsed.

2005-10-14T07:38:00.000Z

The pink jibes finally got to me (and it did look shit)

I cant be arsed to think of a title

2005-10-13T10:36:00.000Z

In fact I cant be arsed to think of character names either, you can invent your own...

Man: Hi, Im home.

Woman: You never returned my call

Man: I was driving when you called

Woman: But you never called me back

Man: I was driving home, I knew I'd see you in 10 minutes

Woman: I was worried about you

Man: I was worried about wasting money when I'd see you soon anyway.

Woman: But I didnt know that, how was I supposed to know where you were.

Man: Ok, well if I don't return your call in the future it'll mean im on my way way home

Woman: What if your dead?

Man: Then there's nothing you could do anyway

Woman: Dont think your smart when your patronising. Why are you so late anyway?

Man: I went for a pint after work

Woman: Why didnt you tell me? Your an hour late

Man: Didn't think, I often go for a quick one after work

Woman: Your not usually this late. Who were you with anyway?

Man: The guys from work. Look whats the problem here? I used to go for a drink before I met you. Why should I stop now?

Woman: You havent done that for months and its not about that anyway. I was worried you were late.

Man: I should be able to have an innocent drink with my friends when I want to

Woman: You can just let me know about it. Why are you so defensive it was "innocent" any way?

Man: Because you have an accusing tone in your voice

Woman: Your behaviour is unusual and making me suspicious.

Man: Suspicious? Me? Your the one getting uptight cos I was a few minutes late for once

Woman: No need to shout.

Man: No need to accuse people of things they haven't done either?

Woman: I haven't accused you of anything

Man: Well what are you going on about then?

Woman: I think its perfectly obvious what Im on about.

Man: Oh so im the stupid one now. You ramble on about phone calls when Im ten minutes away and we're already short of money after your trips to the bank.

Woman: What are you on about?

Man: So you can get your fucking money to pay your fucking Gigolo

Woman: WHAT?

Man: Oh you think I dont know about you shagging around with your fancy man?

Woman: Excuse me but Im not fucking around with anyone, who the fuck do you think you are?

Man: I think I'm the stupid prick who's paying for you to live at home with your legs in the air. You should be glad I was home late. Or are you just pissed you got rid of him quickly and didnt need to huh?

Woman: I dont know what your on about asshole but I do know that when I called your fucking work they said you hadnt been there for a fucking week.

Man: Dont turn this back on me. What am I supposed to do carry on like nothings happening?

Woman: NOTHING is happening

Man: Fuck you. I saw you.

Woman: You saw me fucking what?

Man: I don't know what it was supposed to be, some kind of boy I guess.

Director: and end scene. Good work today people.

Woman actor: You spat on me a little there! You coming home then?

Male actor: I was just gonna go for a quick pint... Joking, I was joking.

Steve Needs...

2005-10-12T09:44:00.000Z

I got this from Kimberlina... I dont know how to link on here but you can see her results from my blogrolling links.

Anyway what you do is type in your name followed by the word needs and get the top 5 results here are mine:

Steve needs a doctor (damn it Chris who have you told?)

Steve needs you (well I do have a lotta love to give)

Steve needs a new v8-pack function (Ihave no idea what this is, but hey I'll take it)

Steve needs your money (im not gonna joke here cos that guy was after donations for charity - sod it go on send your money to me I deserve it)

Steve needs a Gordo's fix (I dont know what this is but I bet its something gay)

I've Seen Death... I Laughed In It's Face

2005-10-12T07:47:00.000Z

For those who may not know about "Death Rides The 9" I've kinda got an 'in' with the writer so I got an advance screening. Sure not the finsished version; there was green screen where special effects will be, a scene where there is sound only, background noise and the bit where I appear as an extra hasn't been put in yet (what do you mean it was cut?)

Yet this is still a highly enjoyable affair, it contains all the wit and satire you would expect from the mind of C.D.B. It is very vocab driven and works by taking convention and turning it on its head. The idea's are fresh (even to me and I've been hearing about it for 2 years) and great care has obviously been takne in plot development.

At the moment this is a short film made for festivals, but with the sets and ambience design matching the mood of the actors it all ties together nicely for the fleshing out into a full length feature film which I beleive is currently being drafted.

I was sitting next to the writer when I saw this and laughed and giggled as it went along in the right places but I defy anyone not to at least smile as events unfold in a way that only fate can decree.

Be jealous that I've seen it for a few more months then go and track it down... It'll be worth it. Im off to dust down my suit ready for awards ceremonies (hint hint)

I couldnt help but be curious...

2005-10-10T12:58:00.000Z

but this seems a load of rubbish. I think it was my scepticism that got me this result

You are Lamentations.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

FACT

2005-10-10T10:41:00.000Z

Fact: 62% of Britains spell it Britons

Fact: 47% of Britains believe the capital of the USA is New York

Fact: 84% of Britains believe the capital of Australia is Sydney

Fact: 3% of Britains believe the capital of Belgium is Europe

Fact: 27% of Britains believe the capital of Brazil is Rio; a further 30% beleive it is Janiero.

Fact: 8% of Britains believe the capital of Antartica is The Artic

Fact: I am British

Fact: I have never been asked any of these Geography questions, not even during my school exams.

Fact: Just because something says fact by it, it doesn't mean it is fact.

Fact: Actually I just made all of these up apart from being British, but then again, do you still believe me?

The Adventures of Chris and Steve (well not really an adventure as nothings gonna happen)

2005-10-07T12:58:00.000Z

Collecter: Any donations for the hospital?

Steve: I hate the way they make you feel guilty if you dont contribute

Chris: Yeah me too, Im gonna have to dig deep and see if I can not grab a big coin in my hand, Don't wanna be over generous.

Collecter: Now come on you two, I know you have money. Please give generously. Its a registered charity.

Steve: (mumbles)

The Collecter shakes her tin

Chris and Steve begrudgingly throw in some loose change

Without even a thank you the collecter walks off.

Steve: There's 60p I'll never see again.

Chris: Word (authors note - see how authentic this is?)

Steve: I was gonna get me a can of pop and a bag of crisps as well

Chris: Oh well, schizzle, every little helps.

Steve: Yeah I probably paid for like an hours worth of electricity. Hey maybe I kept someones life support machine on a bit longer. I saved life for an hour.

Chris: You mean prolonged angony?

Steve stares at Chris quietly for a minute

Steve: I want my 60p back.

Chris: lets go after her on skateboards!

Steve: You can't Skateboard

Chris: Yeah I can, I was watching it on the extreme sports channel last night!

Steve: Why do you think they call it extreme sports?

Chris: Because you can take it to the max.. The Pepsi Max (author - there's some more money in my pocket for that shameless endorsement)

Steve: Ok, why do you think they wear crash helmets?

Chris: Bad hair day and they know they're gonna be on tv?

Steve: No. It's because they frequently lose their balance and bang heads.

Chris: My head is unbangable. You should know.. I saw you trying to bang it!

Steve: Dammit, thought you were asleep. Look the point is that you lose your balance when your in a car, there's no way you could balance on a bit of wood.

Chris: It's got wheels..

Steve: So's a car... and how does that make it easier anyway?

Chris: Er... because.. they're round?

Steve: So's yer face! You don't know the answer do you?

Chris: Shall we just go get our money back?

Steve: Lets Rock!

Chris: and roll.

Steve: We're not skateboarding

Chris: (mumbles)

Steve: Excuse me do you know where the hospital colelctions lady is?

Receptionist: She's already left the building

Steve: To The Steve Machine

Chris: Do we have to call your car that?

Steve: Yes.

Chris: Why? It's sadder than that time you started calling your Penis Percy.

Steve: Leave Percy the Penis out of this and it is cool. It rhymes.

Chris: No it doesn't.

Steve: Shut up and get in the car

They chase off after a car that carries a collections lady that they have never seen before (author - look who said stories weren't supposed to have flaws)

Chris: There she is!

Steve: Pull over mofo

Chris: She's not stopping, bitch.

Steve: Yeah because any normal person would stop if two strangers chased after them shouting abuse. Now where's she gone, I want my 60p.

Chris: outta the way jackass... seriously your ass its got a jack on it.. bloody gamblers.

Steve: Damn lights have changed.

checks his mirror (author - as we all should it's in the highway code you know)

Steve: Alright, no need to pull up so close, your practically up my arse. Your so close I can see your face in my mirror. And your ugly.

Chris: You know if you can see her she can see you clearly

Steve: So what she cant hear me

Chris: She might be deaf

Steve: So she definately cant hear me

Chris: I meant she can lip read.

Steve mouths the word sorry

Steve: Deaf people cant drive anyway.

Chris: Course they can.

Steve: They can't, they couldn't hear any warnings from a car horn, any traffic noise, any emergency vehicles approaching.

Chris: They have hearing aids

Steve: They break and aren't reliable.

Chris: Stop being so prejudice the deafo's can drive.

Steve: Im not being prejudice, I just gave money to help disabled people at a hospital.

Chris: Which you want back.

Steve: Good point, look she's stopped over there.

Chris: Where?

Steve: Where Im pointing

Chris: I cant see this is all typed there aren't any pictures, your supposed to describe

Steve: Stuff it, it's not important c'mon

Our brave, valiant and oh so good looking heroes approach the collector.

Steve: Excuse me I'd like my 60p back.

Collector: What?

Chris: He gave you 60p earlier for the hospital? He'd like it back

Collector: Er.. Why?

Chris: He's scared he's gonna inadvertantly pro-long someones life

Collector: Who's? Don't you like them?

Steve: No one imparticular just generla people who would rather die

Collector: This doesn't strike as odd

Chris shrugs his shoulders

Collector: So you want people in general to die

Steve: Only the sick ones

Collector: Are you like scared of germs or something. Is this some wierd OCD type thing.

Steve: No it's more of a euthanasia type thing.

Collector: You know thats still illegal in this country don't you?

Steve: Why can you trace the 60p back to me?

Collector: Er no, but it doesn't matter anyway. I've already passed on the donations

Chris: There must be a way of getting it back, for the love of god woman.

Steve: Steady.. Eddie. Watch you don't get to heady.

Collector and Chris: WHAT?

Steve: Nevermind. Where's my 60p

Collector: Look if it means that much to you I'll give you 60p.

Steve: But my money will still be saving life and I want it back.

Collector: Here's A 60p?

Steve: You just don't get it do you?

Chris: No. Norman.

Collector: Don't you start too.

TUFOG

2005-10-07T10:57:00.000Z

While admiring various peoples fine blogs today I came across TUFOG on word verification thingymajig-bob. So I am currently trying to think up possible meanings for it.

Sounds like a good name for an evil-doer to me. "Come Robin we must stop the evil Tufog". In fact yes I'll go further it does need to be in one of those camp super hero series like 50's Batman or Dean Cain's shitty Superman. Maybe Tufog could have some cool get away device in which he releases TU much FOG and uses it as a cloak. I bet he could see in the fog too and make daring attempts to steal diamonds while no one else can see. He'll probably be caught though; about 3 quarters of an hour into the episode dumbass Dean Cain will realise his super-vision will help him see through fog.

additional: - I just googled Tufog cos im sad like that and not only is it someones Ebay name it means something in some foreign language... here it is in a sentence I copied and pasted 'Adinanu a of teganu xa the kalab a ito of qudama piye xiz of ikib ena boxex et olo.
Ithe jir ayalu resu tufog ohunun of a orey iceno a yijahu rod'

Respect given to anyone who can translate that, and also respect to anyone who can make me laugh out loud at work with their suggestions as to possible meanings of TUFOG

How do you bounce?

2005-10-06T10:22:00.000Z

"Have you got any ID?", I looked the bouncer up and down. He was probably younger than me. His gloved hand was fidgeting on a counter in a way that made me think this was his first day. "Have you?" I replied. His eyes fixed firmly on me and I thought I had probably upset him. Thats when it occurred to me. This guy was in character trying to be big and mean. "Less of the funny stuff" He grunted in an low, almost incomprehensible way. He couldn't keep his stare up and eventually had to look away. "First night?" I enquired to no response. "your not very good.. you broke character". Another bouncer walks over "look mate, you got any ID or not?" I ignored this guy and continued with my trail of thought. "See your not like him, look at the size of him... he's like a bear. You, well your a big guy and all. Bigger than me anyway but you act more like a bear cub with a bears face". They both looked pissed off so I flashed my drivers license and asked if they liked the picture. Without answering they lifted the barrier and ushered me through. I grinned.

While still operating in my cheeky manner I checked out the bar. Lots of attractive girls around I thought. Lots of idiots trying to hit on them too, shit that guy just slid across the floor as an introduction... and they've told him to fuck off. Awesome. I'll laugh at him later if I see him. Everyone here looks pissed off. Probably cos of the amount of money they've wasted on perfume and aftershave only to smell of sweat after 5 minutes. I can't see my friends. Fuck them I'll get myself a drink and skip their rounds. Send over the fit bar maid, send over the fit bar maid, send over the fit bar maid, shit, it's the bloke.

"Ahem, I'll er.. have a... Lager please" The range of bottles behind the bartender was quite intimidating but I did think they blended in nicely with his black T-Shirt 'uniform'. "You wanted her to serve you, didn't you?" In these situations I often lie "No, I just wanted a beer". His face dropped. "But you asked for a lager?" By now I was already bored of this conversation and my eyes started to wander across the room. "Lager is a beer". A hand suddenly grabbed my cheap checked shirt and pulled me into a position where I was forced to lean over the bar. "It's not a fucking beer" he snarled pushing his face into mine. I noticed how red his eyes were and how they refelcted a shiny silver object in his left hand. "Ok, it's not a beer, but can I have one anyway, and er... get one for yourself" sure I was acting like a coward but not one person in the busy bar had even bothered to turn round so I was pretty much on my own. My feet raised off the floor slightly as he leaned in towards me again still holding onto my shirt. "Don't patronise me fucker" he said on his bad breath which went straight into my face and I saw his hand slowly lean back and then quickly flash forward with a blade facing me.

I dropped to the floor. A hundred things rushed into my mind. No pain. No blood. Floors dirty. People dancing. Music loud. It's stopped. Dancing stopped. Im being stared at. Gotta get up. Can't. Im being lifted. Its baby bear bouncer. His gloves ripped. Slashed. There is blood. Not mine. Not his. Too much silver. Reflection blinding me. Can't see the knife though. Where did it go. Can't see. That light its coming from his hand. Bartender unconscious. Thats where the blood is from. The hand it's not real. Baby bears hand is silver. He's removing the ripped glove.

I was being almost carried to the exit by the bouncers but soon found my balance, I couldn't stop looking at the smaller bouncers prosthetic hand. "Not my first night afterall" he said after he had followed my gaze. I didn't speak. "There's a lot of blade accidents around these days" he was almost grinning as he said it. I looked up and saw the big bouncer with his prominant jaw line checking no one was following us out. "And we do like your picture" all I could muster was a "thanks". They let me go and I was starting to calm down now "..and thanks, y'know, for in there" I went to walk off but the big bouncer grabbed my arm "And we do like to, shall we say, bear hug?" I looked at his massive hand on my arm it was gripping quite tightly. "Sorry not my thing" I replied as I looked back into his eyes. "We'll see" he said and let go. I stumbled into the night still slightly shook up. The wind carried his words to me. "Your address is on your drivers license, your address is on your drivers license".

The Adventures Of Chris and Steve

2005-10-05T20:30:00.000Z

Chris: How's your day been?

Steve: Shit the penis' at my company couldn't manage their own underpants

Chris: Dude your on a work computer, can you say that?

Steve: The ugly fuckers I work with are so stupid the gay ones try and stick their own dicks up their own asses

Chris: Bad day then but does that mean you won't get sacked if they monitor this?

Steve: Like I say they're so stupid, reading isn't on their "Can do" list. Just like piss down the hole we call a toilet isn't.

Chris: What did they do?

Steve: shot it into the air to see and tried to see if they could catch it in their eyeballs. It's like they're equivalent to Apes throwing shit at each other except they have slightly evolved just not as much as the rest of our species

Chris: No I meant what did they do to piss you off?

Steve: I think it started just after they said "please sign here" which was followed by "pathetic useless mother fucker" as soon as my pen stopped moving

Chris: Do you know what pisses me off?

Steve: Listening to this shit?

Chris: Not really... So what you gonna do about the talking shit?

Steve: Im gonna stop talking bout it. Stop telling people. Im gonna kill off superfoots news

Chris: But you like checking shit out and writing bollocks about nothing.

Steve: I know Im gonna do that. But its all gonna be fabricated. Things I think of. That aren't even slightly true. Although maybe sometimes slightly inspired by the truth.

Chris: No more whinging like a 12 year old girl?

Steve: No. I have no problems. I could walk past a hundred people in a doll queue who would love to have my job.

Chris: What about money?

Steve: I could walk past a hundred people on the streets who love to have my possessions

Chris: What about love?

Steve: Dude, I'll always have you

Im too lazy to think of a title

2005-10-05T10:47:00.000Z

Having read back through my recent posts I can see how whingy and whiney I have become. I never wanted to be like this or come across in this way so I will trouble you no more. Have fun always.

The Steve

Im Stupidly Bored

2005-10-04T17:40:00.000Z

When I was little and people used to ask me what I wanted to do in life I don't think I ever answered, I want to deal with complaints over the phone. Not once would I have said I believe there is nothing more fulfilling than resolving queries in a positive manner that suits both the company I work for and the customer. I certainly dont think I dreamt of having a headset attatched to my ear and people of no obvious abilities in life shouting at me repeatedly.

So where did it go wrong? What decision did I make that lead me here instead of where I wanted to be? The real problem is I can't remember what I wanted to be. Scratch that; the real problem is I dont know now what I can be.

I've Been tagged about music! ME?

2005-10-03T18:10:00.000Z

Ok I've been asked to name 5 tunes I like at the moment. No sniggering at the back please!

1) The Doorbell - I think it's by White Stripes

2) That Franz Ferdinand one that goes do, do do ya, do ya really wanna

3) The new Robbie Williams one that I think is called Tripping or something

4) I give in I dont know the names of five songs around at the moment. Sorry

Due to that failure I won't tag anyone as its really embarrasing

"This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius....."

2005-10-03T14:45:00.000Z

I dont know this song. I have never listened to the lyrics of this song. I just know its been played a bit lately; noticeably at the end of "The Forty Year Old Virgin" and in some car advert.

Therefore I am going to assume it is about how great we Aquarians and how we are gonna rule the world very soon. So in honour of this, today I have googled for some info on us water bearers:-

The Water Carrier
January 21 to February 19
Traditional
Aquarian Traits

Friendly and humanitarian
Honest and loyal
Original and inventive
Independent and intellectual

On the dark side....

Intractable and contrary
Perverse and unpredictable
Unemotional and detached

Hell yeah I am

Now thats better

2005-10-02T13:54:00.000Z

Ah thats how it should be done, proper drinking..

No hang over - check
Mild sense of euphoria - check
Memory of last night - check
Tried new beer - check
Tasted foul, stuck to old favourites - check
Confidence to be extrovert - check
Played stupid game - check (we balanced paper birds on beer bottles!)
Sung loudly and proudly - check
No violent tendency, irritation or frustration - check
No smell of sickness on breath - check
No worrying bruises - check
Boost to self esteem - check
Feeling of pressure and stress lifted - check

Now thats why I started drinking in the first place

Last Night

2005-09-30T12:43:00.000Z

Why is it getting stupidly drunk seemed a good idea yesterday but not today?

Why is it hang overs seem to get worse as you get older?

Why is it I had no idea just how drunk i was til I fell on my ass trying to walk home and the sky was spinning?

Why didn't any of my colleagues stop me from doing any of the stupid things I'm sure I did?

More News - Aren't I forthcoming with updates today?

2005-09-29T16:37:00.000Z

Seems people don't like being near me today! The only person I actually like at work has decided she is also moving away today. Literally came in, handed in notice, sad goodbye and left. She's going to move in with her boyfriend for a bit up north. I thought she was joking until she walked out the building! Oh well everyone moves on in life I guess, bit of a shocker though.

Bought some CD's which are helping me cheer up, got Damien Rice and Daniel Powter and am awaiting for James Blunt to arrive. Im enjoying them so much I may give Chris his Jeff Buckley one back!

Been paid wrong... AGAIN so still broke for another month but sod it, credit cards are fun! Can someone please tell me a joke...

Going to get particularly drunk and sing badly on karaoke tonight with error 404.. should be funny.

The Steve

Superfoots News Update

2005-09-29T11:21:00.000Z

Someone who I have grown very close too these last few months is moving a few hundred miles away on Saturday. I saw her for the last time before she goes yesterday. It was quite sad, there were a few tears shead. She has so much potential to do well at anything she puts her mind to its unbelieveable and the opportunity she has is great so we shouldn't be sad.

We had a good weekend together, a nice pub meal on Saturday followed by a night in. On Sunday we went to the Zoo! I haven't been for many a year but it was really sweet and educational, there is a creation called Jambi who tells you about all the animals and I was probably as interested then as I was now. Apparently Im funny cos I talked to all the animals, especially the ones who were hiding (cheeky basterds after I paid to see them!) and an Owl even tried a conversation! Some of them I had to mock like a Meer Kat who looked like he was philosophising of just being a mere cat! Everywhere we went animals seemed to want to shag each other... Must have been something in the air! On the evening we ate at a Portugese Restaurant that only specialised in Peri-peri Chicken. Never tried it before and I may be telling people who have had it a million times but it was delicious... I had the hot one and it was very tangy, also a lovely well themed restaurant. Very impressed although I did get annoying by keep talking about how impressed I was! We then went on to the cinema to see "The Forty Year Old Virgin". If like me you are a big fan of the Anchorman crew then this is the film for you. I found it hilarious just my sense of humour and sometimes a little too true to life for comfort!

I'll skip Monday as I was at work; on Tuesday we decided to keep our animal theme going with a trip to a safari park. I always think this is strangely named as its basically still a zoo with bigger animals in bigger enclosures that you can walk or drive through. It's strange having a Zebra stick its head in your car and when a Lion roars you do start to wonder how thick the glass is on your car! Personally I liked the Deer and there was a little one who walked up to me and let me pat him, probably just wanted food but I saw it as a gesture of friendship. I dont know why but in any species the babies were always the cutest, ever seen a baby Hippo? Very cute! Walked through a bat cave that was amazing, I cant believe the size of them as had only seen Pipistrelle before. Once your eyes become accustommed to the dark it truly is a surreal experience, I think in any other Bat Cave I would be shitting myself! We then saw a Sea Lion show, which seemed a bit cruel to us but the animal hanlers assured us they enjoyed it. We wanted to get close to some reptiles as well (I had to laugh as by the Alligators there is a sign that says do not enter enclosure these animals are dangerous - Duh) but the animal handler never came out... I think the snakes were playing up! So we went and had some lollies and a ride on the water rapids instead. It's an excellent day out and I will return to the park with my neice as any child will love it (like me!)

In the evening we watched Hide and Seek which is a great movie, and very much like Hitchcock in how it builds its suspense. I wont give away the ending but for anyone who likes De Niro being tormented - watch it!

There's loads of stories I haven't mentioned and also a lot of photo's I could show so I'm gonna setup a photo blog when I get chance for anyone interested but mainly to record the memories. So thats what I've been doing, How are you....?

The Steve

If I really were Superman right now I would shout...

2005-09-28T12:16:00.000Z

...Arghhh Krptonite!

Im having one of these days, and it's put me in this mood

2005-09-26T12:32:00.000Z

You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else. You know we don't give a fuck about anybody else.

God bless the SFA

No wonder....

2005-09-23T15:31:00.000Z

It has just been pointed out to me that i drink a coffee every hour at work. Thats eight cups a day!

Spot The Difference

2005-09-22T20:54:00.000Z

A Fimble

Christopher David Bate

Isnt he the best looking guy you have ever seen with a nose and a stripy top. Seriously if I was gay I would try and chat him up. The guy is pure girl bait and easily the most charming man I have ever met.

The bidding for him starts at.....

XBOX live

2005-09-22T15:55:00.000Z

Meant to ask - Anyone else on Xbox live? If so fancy meeting up for a game or chat, let me know my username is Supermans Foot (original aren't I?) and I'll check any messages left, cheers,

The Steve

Im usually a sceptic

2005-09-22T09:23:00.000Z

As far as aliens go I find it a preposterous idea. Most propaganda theories also seem to be formed by wacko's with no cerdibility. Ghosts always seem to be seen by persons who are unusually jumpy or want to see one so desperately to prove every sceptic wrong that they force one out of their imagination. I have even done part of my degree on paranormal Psychology and nothing has ever convinced me otherwise and programmes about aliens, conspiracies or ghosts are usually laughable in their blatant disregard of something I like to call common sense science.

However as I was driving home last night, just after midnight, through an empty country road I started to think about a book I started to write once about the supernaturel (always wanted to write something but Im not as disciplined as Chris...or as talented). I never finished it but thought I would have another go as I was starting to generate a few ideas.

I'd been driving about 20 minutes without seeing another sign of life such is the way on these types of road when I suddenly felt cold. It only lasted about 30 seconds but was enough for me to think this is wierd. Up ahead I saw what looked like a cloud on the road, only a few metres in depth. I drove straight through this and as I did so felt like droplets of condensation touched my whole body as if it had come through my windscreen and my clothes. I carried on driving and tried to think if a fog could be in such a small area and whether my mind was just playing tricks on me.

The obvious answer to this is that because I was thinking of fictional supernaturel occurances my mind leapt to the wrong conclusion. The settigns were like something from a movie and so I was experiencing something I had seen before. It was late and I was tired, your mind becomes overactive imaginatively when your tired such as when you dream. There could well have been a low fog that stretched for miles but I couldnt see it as it was dark and went behinf tree's. Driving through fog its completely plausible that droplets of condensation could get inside the car.

Was enough to make me think for a few minutes

Superfoots News - I'll repeat that score line again it was 8-3

2005-09-21T14:41:00.000Z

Sorry I've ben neglecting my news updates of late, lets see where I was.

Still broke so not been going out much though I did have a nice meal with good company last Saturady despite an annoying kid badgering us for money so he could play on an arcade machine. WHERE ARE PARENTS THESE DAYS?

Also having dinner cooked for me tonight after I have a nice drive out to the country. Aren't I lucky!

Been watching a lot of sports lately in fact Monday night I had footbal, speedway and wrestling all on at the time and i flicked channels away merrily. Anyone not been able to contact me, I've been watching sport getting fat (as if).

Talking of sport the loved players of Aston Villa recorded their biggest win for forty years last night, 8-3 against div 2 minnows Wycombe, even more amazing was that we were losing 3-1 at half time and scored 7... yes you read right 7 second half goals! Chelsea next that'll be another easy one!

Ebay is currently straining my purse strings as well, getting loads of comics on the credit card and im fast becoming a big child again, can't stand all this stress and responsibility people seem intent to put upon me so im reverting to comics.

Thats all for now as I can hear yawns, remember he who laughs last has the biggest chance of coughing up blood.

The Steve

additional: An American colleague of mine has bought us all in sloppy joe's whxih today I have tried for the first time, It's like spag bol on bread! Quite nice

Tonight Matthew I am going to be...?

2005-09-21T09:54:00.000Z

Just had a call off a customer who asked If I was an agent. I answered with a confused "er...." and he said because it said on the line please hold while we put you throught to the next available agent. "ok I said Im an agent; How can I help you?" This customer who clearly thought he was a part time stand up comic however persists "are you a secret agent? Double 0 eight and a half?"
Im starting to get fed up of this conversation already and so give a half hearted and completely fake laugh in recognition of this gents wit but he still see's this as some kind of spur "Do you have a license to kill?" My thoughts of "Would I be answering calls in a call centre if I did? and what kind of undercover mission is every employee here doing?" went unsaid and eventually our jolly jester gave up and asked something mundane like "what is a telephone?"
However thinking about this I think it would be cool for a day so today I am "Foot...Supermans Foot. Licensed to write shit no one reads and I like my beer cold, not warm."

I did this!

2005-09-20T14:09:00.000Z

If you want to prove how clever you are, comment here

Fairy Tales DO Happen

2005-09-20T13:06:00.000Z

Hello there. Thought I would tell you my story before I stole Supermans Foot. I was basically jumping and hopping around in gardens around Westfield Road, making sure I wasn't hit by lawn mowers and taking a dip in any ponds I could find. Here I am...

Any way I didnt think there was much point too my life, except trying to put spawn everywhere and investigating things. I always felt I could be better than what I was, somehow become more than what I was dong but I didnt know what it was. Here's me checking out the local area and sniffing for predators....

One dat while I was investigating I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. I couldn't stop staring at her. The way she moved, spoke, her grace, her poise, THAT voice. But how could I... a frog talk to her? she couldnt understand me, she was so much taller that she probably couldnt even hear me. So I watched her everyday. Named her my Princess and her visits became more regularly but she had no idea who I was or where I was. Then one day. One magic day. She spotted me and knelt down in a manner that was magical and cast a spell on me completely and lent forward so I gave her my kissy face....

the magic happened it was the best kiss ever. I loved her completely and changed from my froggy form to be my princess' Prince. Fairy tales do happen nd I encourage you all too kisses frogs (ribbit) and have your prince's. But one word (or photo) of warning...

P.s. The frog was found in my garden and I instatnly befriended him though I haven't got his permission to capture his likeness, I hope he doesn't sue!

Quick Quiz

2005-09-20T10:32:00.000Z

You know when your driving and you come up to a junction and you cant go straight on, only left or right? Whats that called?

What comes after 'S' in the English alphabet?

On their first stroke what do Golfers rest their balls upon?

What was the inital of the singer who performed "Steamy Windows"?

a song list

2005-09-18T16:23:00.000Z

Everyone seems to list their favourite songs and all seem to have the latest coolest sounds running round thier heads but I dont know much about music at all so instead thought I would list songs I probably shouldn't have danced to... at any party... ever!... Sod it, I had fun!

1) The Birdie Song
2) The Time Warp (I rock with my hands on my hips ok?)
3) The Locomotion
4) Agadoo (I have no idea how its spelt - also the silly spitting image cover)
5) Cha cha (yes even the remixed version)
6) That one where everyone sits on the floor and rocks from side to side then front and back.
7) Wannabe (Before you ask - Geri)
8) WIG WAM BAM
9) Blame It On The Boogie
10) Baggy Trousers/House Of Fun/anything by Madness really!
11) Walking on Sunshine (come on we won Eurovision with this!)
12) Ooh Aah Just a Little Bit

And of course... 13..... It may be unlucky for some... But I know You'll love...

13) SUPERMAN (I've never seen him hitch a lift, spray deodorant, ski or ring a bell but Im especially good at the taking off flying bit!)

and no there isn't photo evidence... I hope!

Pressure

2005-09-18T09:53:00.000Z

You know when your having guests over and your either organising a party or a dinner and you start to get really stressed? House needs tidying, food not ready, people not turning up, etc.

Well have you ever tried to make blogging as hospitable as possible, found the pressure of entertaining too much? stumbled along with nothing to write or do? I know from talking to friends of mine that they do but isnt this suppossed to be fun? it got me thinking why do you blog?

Myself I started off as using it as a way of keeping in touch with old friends keeping them up to date with what I was doing and thinking. I dont think any of them read this anymore or if they do they have stopped letting me know! I decided to carry on as I liked writing down random thoughts, documenting what I was doing and inspired by Chris trying to be creative. I didn't really care what those who saw it thought and certainly didn't write things especially for anyone.

However eventually people find you and then you look at their blogs and I started to care a little more as I was introduced to people that although I may not know I liked. Then I wanted to write things in return I thought they maybe interested in or want to see or even just to guage opinion.

Thats when it gets to you when you care what others are putting and its not just what you want to write anymore. You get the pressure of entertaining. I know various other bloggers have been struggling with this of late so my advice to all is write for yourself, when you want to and what you wnat to put. This is what attracted people to read about in the first place and it saves you worrying about a writers block or impressing people.

(anyone who wants to moan when I talk about sports, please feel free to do so but if I wanna write it I will!)

Last night I was told

2005-09-16T14:18:00.000Z

that I was a nice cute boy. Had them fooled.

A friends views...

2005-09-16T10:17:00.000Z

I had a friend who once got upset while walking down a busy high street. He saw all the faces walking past us and turned to me and said "look at all those faces. They all have a life, a view, a personality. They all could be having as much fun in thier lives as we do. But we'll never know. We'll never meet them. Behind those expressionless masks we will never get to know if they are the most interesting people you could know or the love of your life and I wish I could know just a little something about them all"

You may know Im getting into comics of late but this....?

2005-09-16T09:58:00.000Z

Transformers Comic Book Predicted 9/11
Here's something that brings back memories of the Nostradamus predictions that swirled around in the weeks after 9/11. Some guy is claiming that comic book artist Simon Furman predicted 9/11 in a Transformers comic book published on Sep. 14, 1991. His main proof: a picture of a transformer (rodimus prime) hanging between the destroyed towers of the World Trade Center. He's selling the comic book that contains this picture (as well as some other stuff) on eBay UK. He launches into some convoluted explanation of other ways in which his Transformers comic book predicted 9/11, and then he winds up his sales pitch with this startling, though rather garbled, claim:

wouldn't you like some glimpse into future events, these comics if used to predict events from week to week, they are currently around issue 230, this is august 1989 (2004), and they run until 18th feb 1992 (2007), that means there are over 100 more issues to go, thats almost three years of predictions, i can send you information of exactly what to look for in them, how to make sense of the vague and cryptic predictions, and will allways answer emails from anyone who wants to help understand these better.

In other words, he's saying that these old Transformers comics are like windows onto the future. But the question you have to ask is why, if this guy can see into the future via his comic books, isn't he taking advantage of that ability? Why wouldn't he use this power to enrich himself (or at least warn the world about upcoming disasters) instead of giving it away for a pittance on eBay?

Puzzler

2005-09-15T11:39:00.000Z

If Cows drink milk what happens to it in the stomach? does it get turned back into milk? Does it mix with other acids and become super milk? does it pass through all the stomachs and come out as urine? Does it get passed back to be milked again.

Im off to force feed a cow milk in order to find out.... oy stop eating grass... stop it you great black and white freak.... ooops i mean nice cow.... have a drink.... its got alcohol in (hehe)... what do you mean you not a party cow?... drink the milk.... go on be your best friend.... all the cool cows are doing it... it'll help get them flies out you face, scientifically proven... excellent. Now I just have to wait

Marvel Vs D.C.

2005-09-14T13:59:00.000Z

I know my super hero fascination is getting out of control but I was wondering what would happen if there was a crossover battle with the two most famous battling a war for each side here's my run down:

D.C.
Superman
Strengths - High pain resistence, enhanced strength, ability to fly, ability to see through most materials, can blow wind, laser vision.
Weakness's - Kryptonite, the fact that just about everyone in the world knows he weakens to Kryptonite, a predictable goody two shoes, doesn't have same powers on different planets.

Batman
Strengths - Bat utility belt, Bat Mobile, Tough Armour/suit, help in Robin and Alfred, money to replace broken items, strikes fear into opponents.
Weaknesses - Only human with no real super powers, easily seduced, often has confused state of mind.

Marvel
Spiderman
Strengths - Web slinging, proportionate strength of a spider, sticks to walls, spider sense (advanced warning), enhanced agility.
Weaknesses - Webbing runs out, emotional problems, many enemies, mis-trusted by public.

The Hulk
Strengths - Incredible strength, can jump great distances, at full pace is almost unstoppable
Weaknesses - Emotionally unstable, in state of Bruce Banner has no abilities, Poor decision making skills

So who would win? Personally I reckon Marvel as the Bat would be crusshed a bit too easily but it's a fight I wanna see. I want I want I want

Why...

2005-09-14T13:29:00.000Z

... does word verification have to be on in red or green? Im colour blind for those two colours and I know they are the most common colours for people not to be able to see and it just looks like a merge of jumble to me. Whoever organised it is an idiot

Yes its a sports post.. No you don't have to read it

2005-09-13T12:11:00.000Z

For the first time since 1987 England have won back thier Cricketing ashes and they did it so spectacularly, surrounded but so much tension that even I watched Cricket (if you dont know it imagine an even more boring version of Baseball with a funny shaped bat) and had started to become doubtful we would ever win them back again. But we beat the best teamin the world over 5 tests and in its own way it is bigger than winning the world cup. The celebrations around Trafalgar Square are still going on now and I am full of pride.

A few weeks ago I predicted a struggle for my footballing favourites, last night they were humiliated 4-0 by a team only recently promoted. It saddens me to see how far the great name of Aston Villa can fall. Something needs to be done and quickly. PLEASE SOMEONE HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....

Finally congratulations to the man who I consider to be the bravest in sport. Tony Rikardsson already world speedway champion before Saturdays Italian grand prix still found the courage to win all five of his heats, the semi and the final very literally risking his life in almost every lap.

Now where's some Matilda waltzers I can take the piss out of......